Welcome to Day #2 in the 31 Days to Become a Better Solo-Dad series. If you’re just joining us, you can read Day #1 – Paying Your Child Support On Time by clicking here.
From a child’s perspective, nothing is more important that having time with their absent parent. I see it now more than ever even though Little Elvis is 13 years old. When his mother cancels on him or has to forfeit her midweek sleep over night, he still is disappointed and saddened. Today’s post is aimed at highlighting practical ways to prevent this from happening to your child.
Make Time With Your Child a Top Priority
Children Need Their Fathers. As I stated in the introduction to the post, nothing is more important to a child who doesn’t live with his or her dad than the time they get to be together.
Knowing this enables a Solo-Dad to better plan his commitments so as to minimize the chances that he’ll have to cancel, reschedule, or forfeit his scheduled visitation.
Even though life circumstances, economics, and career demands sometime make it necessary to cancel these visits, they should be the exception rather than the rule.
When dads aren’t in the home or seen by the kids on a frequent basis, it’s even more crucial that they keep their commitments to visitation.
Practical Tips for Strengthening Your Commitment
For Non-Custodial Dads: If you don’t have physical custody of your children, in some ways it’s easier to make your time with them a priority. After all, your time with them was most likely determined by the custody agreement.
Typically this means two weekends per month. Maybe you also have a midweek sleepover or evening visit. To make these limited amounts of time count for both you and your kids, make them sacrosanct by considering the suggestions below:
- Schedule the time. Block out the dates in your planner, Outlook calendar, Blackberry or iPhone, or other time tracking tool.
- Refuse all other commitments. On the days you’re scheduled to spend time with your kids, don’t allow work, social commitments, or even a hot date to interfere.
- Limit the big outings. Not every weekend needs to be a trip to Disneyland. Some weekends are better spent playing board games or working on a new craft. Kids need regular home-time with dad as much as they do with mom. They need to know they have an authentic dad and not a Disneyland dad.
- Make the transition time meaningful. Kids need time to transition between being at your home and returning to their mom’s. When my son Ben was younger, he would be angry upon returning to his mother’s home for about an hour before getting back to his normal behavior. While expected, it decreased significantly when I took the time to slow things down in those final hours of the visit. About an hour before it’s time to take them back to their mom’s house, take some time to spend talking about whatever they want. This is a good time to talk about the coming week, activities at school, and anything else that’s important to them. It can be over ice cream, a dinner out, or just on the couch cuddling. It helps them transition back to being at mom’s and it also helps you transition to a suddenly empty house when you return home.
For Custodial or Co-Parenting Dads: Dads who have physical custody or co-parenting arrangements often have a tougher time making time with the kids a priority. Think about it – when they’re always around, the inherent risk is to take their presence for granted.
In addition to the enumerated points above for non-custodial dads, consider the following suggestions:
- Spend time with your kids alone. Some call this ‘dating your child’ though I’ve never liked that phrase. Whatever you decide to label it, if you have more than one child keep in mind they are still individuals. Being such, they need time alone with their dad just like any other kid. This is harder to do as a non-custodial dad, but since you have your kids half to full-time, it’s easier schedule time in this manner. David over at DadsHouseBlog is an example of a dad who does this. Many of his posts talk about his daughter and how he stays involved in her life even though she’s driving and growing more independent.
- Eat dinner together. This is one the oldest and most effective methods of keeping in touch with what’s going on with your child. Turning the TV off and eating in a dedicated dining room -if possible- is an even better idea. There is perhaps no better way to establish a regular and consistent communication exchange between you and your children.
Time is Precious
While the popular culture we live in is full of multiple mechanisms for staying in touch with our children, nothing beats a heart-to-heart talk.
Mohondas Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Make the commitment to honor the time you spend with your children. One day they will mimic your behavior in this area.
Take the time now to ensure they will do the same for their own children.
In the next post, we’ll look at how not to become a Disneyland Dad. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.
Yes and sometimes just turn off the TV and see what happens.
Other times when you are too overwhelmed, a great movie snuggled up together on the couch is exactly the remedy for any single parent
great article
Solid suggestions. Thanks!
Wonderful post! Lest anyone question the value of actually spending time with your kids (whether you’re a single parent or not), I can heartily recommend the book “Parenting is a Contact Sport” by Joanne Stern, Phd. ( Here’s a review: http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/06/03/parenting-is-a-contact-sport/ )
Great advice in this post, solo dad. I like the “limit the big outings” point – I think it’s great for a parent to provide a safe environment for their kids to just hang out with friends. You don’t have to go to Disneyland all the time.