I’ve made no secret here on Solo-Dad about the issues between me and my Ex, both past and present.
There have been times when I wanted to scream out loud a laundry list of things that bug me and hurt LE.
And yet I know it’s not fair to LE to make negative statements about her. She is still his mother and he’s the In this post in the 31DBBSD series, I write about what’s OK to say about your child’s mother and what’s not.
The same principles remain true for Solo-Moms talking about Dads.
The Stage Is Set
Divorce leaves a lot of us embittered about many things; love, life, relationships in general, and especially about our Ex.
Many of us begin our collection of euphemisms to use in referring to our former spouse. Deadbeat, dirt bag, what’s-her-name, the Ex, and some even less flattering terms.
These may give us temporary solace in our moments of pain, but they do us little good in the long run. Sooner or later we learn to discard these nicknames because it generates more negative energy.
There are times when dads are -without good cause- kept from their children because of the mom’s anger. A friend of mine lost track of his son for more than 20 years because his ex-disappeared with the boy soon after they separated. (Just recently they found one another again via the wonders of Google. 
)
Regardless of the situation around your visitation with your children, they are the ones to lose when you engage in negative name calling and other less positive communication methods.
It’s Your Child Who Suffers More
James Allison, Divorce Attorney writes the following in an article on DivorceSource.com:
Repeated negative comments from one parent about the other causes incredible stress on that child and prevents [him] from being able to maintain a healthy attitude toward marriage…when it comes time for the child to develop a relationship with the opposite sex. (See link to article below.)
Children of divorce always feel pulled from two halves of their world like human chess pieces manipulated by seasoned players. It behooves both parents to realize this and act accordingly.
Easier Said that Done
Yeah, I know. It’s hard to hold your tongue when you know your Ex isn’t measuring up in any number of areas. However knowing that what you say in front of your child will hurt them -no matter how justified you feel in saying it- should help deter the frequency of your remarks.
Some Examples of What’s Not OK to Ask or Say
- “Boy, you’re mom’s boy friend sure is over at your house a lot.” Your child doesn’t want to betray their mother by commenting on the frequency of the boyfriend’s visits. Depending on their age, they wouldn’t be able to add anything but what they observe anyway.
- “What was your mom thinking when she…..” No matter how this question ends, it places the child in a defensive posture. He can’t know what his mother was thinking, then or at any time in the future.
- “I’ll sure be glad when your mom gets her act together.” OK, I admit it. I’ve gone down this road and immediately regretted it. The look on LE’s face told the story of how he felt: Sad for his mom, disappointed in me. Lesson learned.
- “If your mom doesn’t do __________, then I’m going to ________.” These types of veiled threats only make the child retreat in fear. They foster resentment and further threaten your child’s tenuous world.
Some Suggestions for Change
- Stop. Now. If any of the above statements sound vaguely familiar, you need to stop now. You probably already know that by uttering these kind of remarks, the relationship you have with your child is stressed further. Nothing you say is worth risking that.
- Take a time out. Sounds juvenile, I know. But when you feel the urge to make an editorial comment that potentially could have these adverse effects on your child, take a few seconds and consider what will really be accomplished? If you know it’s not helping your child cope with the situation, it’s best not to say it.
- Try complimenting their mother instead. Find something, (look very hard if you need to) that you admire about your Ex and say that instead: Not in a moment of anger, but in a neutral one. Let you child know that although you and their mother no longer live together, you both are able to see the good in the other. This allows your child to feel good about you both.
- Take the higher road. Sometimes it’s hard not to respond in anger or with a derogatory remark when you hear something from your child that’s insulting. How do you respond when your four year-old says, “Mommy said you don’t want to give us any money.” It’s easy to respond in kind. By taking the higher ground, your remarks can focus on assurance, security, and love instead. When you do that, it gives your child much needed support and assurance that she will always be provided for by you.
Check Your Anger and Guilt at the Door
Both of these intense emotional states are completely normal responses to separation, divorce (especially messy ones), and infrequent child visitation. Each has something to teach us about our current situation.
The problem arises when we allow these states to influence our future behavior. They can easily flavor our language with derisive comments and vitriolic speeches if not kept in check.
If these two states are a problem, get some help. Most employers have an agreement with an company that provides free, confidential referrals to mental health professionals. I recently called mine and gained a referral for LE for some ongoing issues. If these services are available through your employer, get the assistance you need in communicating with your child. You’ll both be glad you did.
Helpful Links:
- Book: Between Two Worlds – The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce
- The 7 Worst Things to Say to a Child During Divorce
- Good Communication During Divorce
- Helping Children and Youth Live With Separation and Divorce
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Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of Single Dads Dating. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.
