My elder son, Benjamin, is about to become a new Dad.

It’s been a special time watching him assume the mantle of impending fatherhood and it fills me with a great deal of pride to know, beyond any doubt, that he will be an awesome dad.

In the spirit of Ben’s impending responsibilities as a New Dad, Darcy Johansan, a freelance writer offered to write  this guest post for Solo-Dad readers.

The Top 10 ‘Don’ts’ for New Dads

1. Don’t expect your wife to do everything. She carried your child for nine months and went through 20 hours of grueling labor to bring him into the world.  It’s your turn!  She’s going to be pretty tired between feeding and caring for the baby (all of which is new for her, too) and snatching sleep in two-hour intervals, so feel free to pitch in by taking turns sitting up with your child, making meals, and tidying up the house when you have some free time.
2. Don’t drop the baby. Almost everyone does it once.  You’re so tired that you nod off for a second and suddenly you’re awoken by a screaming child who has rolled to the floor.  These things can happen, but try to ensure that they don’t (since your child can come to serious harm).  Either put your baby in the crib when you feel your eyelids drooping or set up some pillows to hold your child securely in place in case your grip should loosen.
3. Don’t be afraid of the baby.  Your child is precious goods, but he’s not going to shatter when you touch him.  Become comfortable holding, feeding, burping, changing, and bathing him.  You may even hum a little tune as he drifts off to dreamland.  This way you won’t be caught like a deer in the headlights when your wife’s friends come by to whisk her away for a much-needed day of R&R at the spa, leaving you alone and untrained with a screaming baby.
4. Don’t let ignorance stop you. You may think expectant mothers know what to expect, like they have some deeply ingrained training that magically surfaces when they pop out a kid, but they are just as mystified as you…except that they probably read about a zillion books during their pregnancy.  You, too, can learn about your child from baby books, or you can ask how to do things.  Or you can simply try them on your own.  The point is, your dad did it, and so did your grandfather, along with just about every other man in existence, so you can certainly learn to care for an infant.
5. Don’t try to escape. Having a new baby in the house can be a little overwhelming.  Forget about all the crying, what about the heavy burden of responsibility and worry that is currently residing like a 2-ton monkey on your back?  But spending extra time at the office or dawdling over drinks with your co-workers is not going to solve your little problem.  In fact, it may only serve to create tension with your wife, who really needs your help and support.  So buck up.  You’ll only learn to cope if you face your situation, admit your limitations, and work with your partner to settle into your new life.
6. Don’t let frustration get the best of you.  Childcare has a wicked learning curve, but don’t give up the first time you try to change the baby and he pees in your face.  You are going to make mistakes and there will definitely be times when you’re ready to throw in the towel, but it will get better if you just ride it out.
7. Don’t blame the baby.  It’s not his fault he’s helpless.  You must realize that he is dependent on you for everything and it is your responsibility to love, protect, and nurture him to the best of your ability.
8. Don’t miss a thing. New parents often have the camera ready like a loaded gun to take that winning snapshot, but you can miss his first word or his first steps while you’re busy fumbling with the controls.  So forget about capturing the moment for posterity and make an effort to emblazon it in your memory.  Being present is more important than preserving a Kodak moment in digital precision.
9. Don’t fight. Children are hard work and the frustrations of being a new parent coupled with many a sleepless night are a good recipe for arguments.  So try to catch yourself before you blurt something hurtful that will be hard to take back.  Instead, try to be sympathetic to her moods and remind yourself why you love your wife and why you wanted a family in the first place.
10. Don’t forget to be a husband. It’s really easy to get bogged down in feeding schedules and trying to catch a few zzzs wherever you can, but don’t neglect your wife in the process.  She is vulnerable after giving birth and she needs love and support more than ever.  So make an effort to show her affection whenever possible and remind her that she is still the beautiful, sexy woman you married (even if she has spit-up on her shirt).

Darcy Johansan writes for several online outlets including Pickup Artist,a forum that offers insight for guys looking to hone their dating skills.

Two fact keep staring me in the face.

1. LE starts high school on Monday.
2. He’s as tall as me.

Honestly, have I entered a time warp whereby everything has been fast-forwarded and I am just now getting around to noticing?

Woody & Buzz, Where Are You?

It seems like yesterday that Justin was that cute little 4 year-old boy toting his Woody the Cowboy and Buzz Lightyear action figures everywhere we went.

Yes, time is flying by. Each day is a blur and I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that in four all-too-short years, he -like his brothers and sister- could be making his own way in the world.

7 Years

It’s been seven years since LE and I started over. In those years, we faced challenges and rose above them all because we had each other.  He has become the focus of my life in recent years as my older children have gotten married, moved away, and begun families of their own.

And as he starts high school I think back over the years and feel nothing but gratitude for young man he is becoming.  He is polite, kind, sensitive, respectful of others, and he never shies away from a goodnight hug.

People say we look alike. But it’s more than just looks.  The apple doesn’t fall from the tree where he and I are concerned.

I’m just glad I’m finally starting to look like him.

Just kidding.

Though I realize the highest form of love, as I wrote to someone special recently, is unconditional in nature, I also realize that I have a long way to go before I reach that summit of submission.  I know that love is the greatest force in the universe and unless we submit to it we are destined to fight against it.

“Take away love and our earth is a tomb.”  ~Robert Browning

Love is the single most precious resource on the planet, perhaps in the entire universe. It’s source comes from the beginning of time, perhaps before time existed (if you can wrap your head around that idea). It seeks like minded beings and can be seen in the face of almost every animal.

I know that it’s my highest calling in life. I may write for a living, blog as a hobby, paint for self-discovery, and meditate for inner peace, but I love because I can’t not love. It’s not in me to hate. Even after all I’ve been through in life.

Love is inside of me 24/7 and it is my constant companion. I can choose to share it, bestow it, lavish it, or horde it. The choice is mine. Hording love, in my experience is unwise and leads to selfishness and suffering.

I know that love isn’t just defined by human companionship. It is larger than that. But the human variation of this great entity is also one of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

““For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” ~ Judy Garland

Being a parent evokes a love unknown until you experience it. I have no idea what being a mother is like and the bond that is forged between infant and mother at birth or conception. It must be special, indeed.  I’ve witnessed and participated in the birth of three of my four children. And as a father, it is at once thrilling and humbling to feel the love that develops over that first week in which you realize what fatherhood means. Over a lifetime, it matures and hopefully leads to wisdom that you feel compelled to pass on to the next generation despite their general unwillingness to listen.  But that’s OK, in time, they will learn.

I know that love evokes tears of joy and sadness. Nothing can bring me to tears faster than a heartfelt word or expression of love or listening to a song that brings me back to a moment in my past that was full of emotion.

In fact, just this week LE and I were in Seattle and watched Toy Story 3. I blubbered through the whole thing because of how much it reminded me of how rapidly my children grew up, left home, and left me behind. I still struggle to come to terms with these events, though it is a common theme among all parents who can admit it.

I think my favorite quote about love comes from His Holiness the Dalai Lama. He put it this way…

“Approach love (and cooking) with reckless abandon.” ~ His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

As long as I draw breath I will choose to love and share it with those around me.It will live on in the hearts of my children and the playfulness of my grandchildren.

“And for the one, true love of my life, my love will not be bound by the constraints of time and place, but will go on forever.” ~ Me

I asked myself this question on the weekend while re-engineering the bookcase in my living room and the closet in my bedroom.

The answer …‘very little, actually’…wasn’t all that surprising since I’m a minimalist at heart anyway. The title of this post kind of says it all.

Implications for Me

I live with my 14 year-old son in a smallish beach house in Rio Del Mar, California. Because it’s just the two of us and our black lab, there isn’t a lot that’s required beyond the essentials.

When I began the weekend I had a simpler living area in mind as a result. As it turned out, a reduction in the amount of ‘things’ was in order.

I reduced the number of books on shelves, the number of items on display, and the number of dishes and flatware in the cabinets and drawers.

For me and LE, the following is now if effect…at least where dishes are concerned…

• 4 plates
• 4 glasses
• 4 bowls

I’ve also reduced our flatware to…

• 4 forks
• 4 butter knives
• 4 steak knives
• 4 spoons

As with my bookcase decluttering, I placed some items in a ‘maybe’ box in case I find I need some of them.  If I do, I’ll simply take some out and reassess in a month or two.

I’ll let you know how it works out.

Yesterday I tackled the bookcase that tends to collect things I hurriedly need a place to store (which violates the essence of minimalism).

Here’s the before shot. It shows how jumbled it had actually become as a result of putting off deciding what is essential.

There is energy associated with every object in existence. When we group objects together there is a natural competition in energy. Look again at the before shot and feel the negativity associated with the jumbled mess and disorganization.

And here’s the after shot. Note how much more open space there is and how much calmer the appearance. The more open space on the shelves, the better I felt.

When my personal space looks like this….it’s no wonder I get down in the dumps. I have to have an environment that is simple or it creates more stress for my body and my mind.

What’s Left?

• One heavy box of books that I’ll donate to the local library.
• Two boxes of storage items that I’ll reassess in 3 months. Any items that haven’t made it out of the box will be donated or recycled.

Feel Like Trying It?

Here’s what you need to do in 3 easy steps.

Step 1: Decide what’s essential.

Step 2: Eliminate what you deem unnecessary (donate, recycle, sell, etc.)

Step 3: Box ‘maybe’ items and reassess their value in 3 months. If they haven’t made it out of the box, they go.

Good Luck!

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”  …Apple Computer

I’ve written about simplicity as a topic before here on Solo-Dad.  But lately, the themes of minimalism and simplicity in living have been coming up more frequently for me in my life.

Around the office, I’m known for my approach to organization and a zen-like office setting.

• I like clean, clear desk tops and surfaces.
• I like the sense of calm I perceive when I enter it.
• I like that others also sense this and comment on it.
  

As much as I can, I like living in a minimalist manner.  I’m trying to limit the amount of ‘things’ I own by following the principles in Leo’s book.

This weekend, for example, I’m going to make some headway toward creating a calmer, more zen-like appearance around the Beach Bungalow.

Following Leo’s two commandments I’ll:

1. Choose only the essential
2. Eliminate the rest

Two project for the weekend include 1) Minimalizing (my own term ) my bookcase and 2) my bedroom closet.
Recently on ZenHabits.net, Jeffrey Tang of The Art of Great Things, wrote about an alternate approach to deciding what to eliminate. The fear that keeps most of us from parting with ‘things’ is the fear that we may need them sometime in the future and we they would no longer be available.

This is usually not the case but it’s a pervasive belief many, including myself in years past, cling to.

Jeffrey suggests packing up belonging in boxes and storing them out of site but within easy reach. When an item is needed, you retrieve it and it becomes essential.  But he suggests, and I firmly believe it based on my own experiences, that most of what we hoard or collect or simply keep is not essential.

The key for me is the freedom I feel after I’ve chosen what’s essential. When the rest is gone, it’s like breathing pure oxygen.

I have a long way to go before I reach my goal of living in a true minimalist manner, but this weekend will hopefully give me the nudge in the right direction.

Perhaps Bowie said it best after all…

“Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes,

(Turn and face the strain)”

Those who know me, truly know me, are familiar with my fascination with change.

Whether it’s changing the living room around or simply changing calendars every other month, change is a habit for me.

After all, life is ever changing. every second brings a new experience, a new perception, a new opinion.

Don’t Get Me Wrong

I don’t change everything. For example, when it comes to whom I choose to love, that isn’t a change I make lightly or often.

When it comes to my approach to family, friends, and dear ones…again, that simply doesn’t change.

Time may change me;
But I can’t trace time

Changing Solo-Dad.com

But there are plenty of things in my life that I do like to change every so often, this blog for example.

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve changed the theme on the Solo-Dad blog…again.  I can’t help it. As I’ve stated above, I love changing things up from time to time.

Unfortunately, this fascination…some might say obsession…with changing blog themes has its limitations.

Case in point…several of my older posts weren’t displaying correctly like they did under the last theme.

The ‘tags’ that are used to categorize posts on the blog are handled a bit differently on Personal Press – the theme I’m not using. In particular, the category called ‘Solo-Dad Life’ wasn’t in the main menu and, therefore, a who slew of posts weren’t displaying.

A friend brought this to my attention and a little time spent digging into the code revealed the culprit responsible.

All Better Now

All should be displaying as it should not that I’ve made a few adjustments in the theme.

“Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes,

(Turn and face the strain)”

Last night I had a craving for brownies.  And I’m a huge fan of rewarding my cravings.

The problem?  No brownie mix in the Beach Bungalow.

Fire Up the Jeep, Dad!

I did just that and moments later discovered that my local Safeway store had a ‘Buy One Get One Free’ deal on Duncan Hines Dark Chocolate Brownies!

Moment later I was back home enjoying the few preparations necessary to create the dark chocolate mixture with just the right amount of lumps.

Brownies and Blood

A bit later, after an excruciatingly long cooling period (according to LE), we enjoyed moist, warm, extra-large brownies and ice cold glasses of milk while watching an episode of Showtime’s Dexter via Netflix.

Who knew brownies and blood made for such a warm, family experience?

Next, Sweet Corn Muffins

I grew up eating traditional cornbread.  My mom, a Southerner long ago transplanted to Central California, would (and still does) bake a large square of unsweetened cornbread and we’d have it with dinner or as a snack slathered in butter.

Most cornbread available in restaurants today is the sweetened kind. In fact, I just made a dozen sweet corn muffins from a mix I bought at Costco.  Marie Callender’s Corn Muffin mix is good in a pinch, but I do prefer the traditional cornmeal-in-a-box version that my mom makes. I’ve made it before but it’s been a while.

Smelling Is Believing

I don’t really bake; not in the classic sense anyway. I don’t use all fresh ingredients and, because of my rather sporadic baking experiences, prefer to grab a quick mix off the shelf. It’s typical Solo-Dad style.

But what I find even more enjoyable than consuming the fruits of my so-called-labor is the aroma that the Beach Bungalow takes on for that brief amount of time. The aromas are somehow more powerful than the actual taste.

I recall with nostalgia the aromas of my Grandmother’s house in Tennessee; eggs and bacon, pancakes, coffee, stews, and cornbread, slow-cooking beans and fresh vegetables….that’s the real joy of cooking I think.  If you weren’t hungry when you arrived, you were in pretty short order.

Maybe that’s why LE stopped playing his guitar and came out of his room every five minutes to ask when the brownies would be cool.

Last Sunday was my 26th year celebrating Father’s Day as a dad, my 7th as a SoloDad and my first as a GrandDad.

For some in my acquaintance, days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, and anniversaries are huge events with picnic and cookouts in parks or celebrated with friends and family at home. People come out of the woodwork it seems to make the day special.

It’s never been that way for me.  More often than not, my birthday is like any other.  Father’s Day brings phone calls and a card and perhaps a gift or two.  It’s a small affair no matter what.

And that’s OK.

After all, being a father isn’t about me. It’s about my children.

Gifts, parties, celebrations…I’ve always been uncomfortable being the center of attention anyway. I’m more content to be in the background doing what I do.

This blog is the most in the way of a ‘public persona’ I am capable of creating. And it’s largely anonymous anyway.

Very few people who read these posts would know me if we passed on the street. Some have commented that having a blog is so public but I’ve found it’s only public to people who know you as the author.

As I’ve thought about this post and how it may be perceived by those closest to me, I’ve paused to consider the outcome. But in doing so, I’ve shied away from this uncomfortable topic for a long time.

Left Behind

Seven years ago I made a decision that affected the lives of many people. LE and I were effected the most. And if you’ve read my story, you know the decision and it’s immediate effects on us both.

In many ways, when I made the decision to leave my spouse to  seek protection under the law as well as full-custody of LE, I also ripped apart the fragile sense of family he clung to.

For years, his older siblings were his buddies, his big brothers and sister, embodied his definition of family beyond his parents and grandparents.I still feel it

All that came to an end when I made the decision to leave his mother and opt for safety and sanity.

Guilt

I still feel it sometimes. Guilt over forcing him to recreate his life away from his now grown siblings. Guilt over the free-fall his mother continues to experience.

I’ve often been reminded, when thinking of guilt, of the bumper sticker I saw in Los Angeles years ago that read:

Smuck Fog

I’ve often thought about creating a similar sticker to represent the uselessness of guilt. But my creative brain has as yet to come up with a catchy alternative.

Back to Father’s Day

Anyway, this past Sunday was Father’s Day and I have a great time.  Bethany and David were here from Alaska accompanied my my granddaughter, Jessi.

Ben and Crystal were also here and so LE was in heaven.  I was pretty happy, too. A few pictures from their visit follow.

Until yesterday morning, this was my car.

Today, it’s a smoking heap in need of a new engine.

The engine for a 2004 Dodge Intrepid costs twice as much as the car is worth.

Not good.

And to add insult to this obvious injury, I just paid off the car.

Being a one-car-family, LE and I are kinda stranded.  I do have a loaner car for a few days, but I’m torn as to what to do.

• Do I go and get a new car and another car payment?
• Do I buy some basic-transportation-car  in order to avoid the payment issue?
• Rely solely on public transportation and go green?

Then the Laptop Failed

When I got to work I placed my laptop in the docking station and the hard drive failed.

My IT guy (a true Saint in a human disguise) cloned the drive to another so I could work and will get my original HD replaced next week. With many deadlines looming, I can’t be without the laptop. Luckily the laptop is still under warranty.

Make me wonder about those voice mail messages I received trying to sell me an extended warranty for my car.