Saying Goodbye

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I’ve said goodbye to daughter a hundred times. Bethany and Dad 2009

At the conclusion of each weekend she’d spend with me when she was young; At the conclusion of each telephone conversation over the years. But only a few of them have been as emotionally charged as the one about a week ago.

Leaving the Lower 48

When she and her new husband, the 2nd Lt, were told they’d be stationed here in California, I was ecstatic. She’d be a few hours away and my granddaughter would be born close by.

She and David had already made a trip down the Central Coast of California to scout out hospitals and homes.

So when Uncle Sam redirected them to another duty station I can’t say I was surprised, but very disappointed.

“We’ve been told that we’re no longer going to Vandenburg, Daddy. Instead, we’re going to Alaska. We have to be there in 2 weeks.”

“What?” My calm demeanor went right our the window. How could they do this? Why did this happen? Who the hell decided this?

My questions were silly: First reactions to what I’d known might happen. It’s the military, after all. There isn’t much choice when it comes to your first assignment as an officer in the Air Force.

She’d had a few days to come to grips with the situation and while it wasn’t her desire to live in Alaska, she was committed to being where she needed to be. With David. Wherever that might be.

A Dad and His Daughter

The next week was a roller coaster of emotions for me. LE could see it was bothering me. And his man-child way, he supported me with hugs an extra portion of just-being-thirteen.

That I love my daughter is a no-brainer. That I will miss her so deeply it hurts is a given. That I didn’t want to or know how to say goodbye this time was perplexing.

So many questions rolled over in my mind…

How do I face this?
Am I being a big baby?
Should I let my emotion show or be stoic in light of my Princess moving so far away?

I emailed Dr. Leah and asked here how to proceed. Leah Klungness is a psychologist, author, and single mom who jointly writes the SingleMommyhood.com blog as well as Just Ask Dr. Leah. I’ve cried on her virtual shoulder before and she’s always had some great feedback and advice.

And of course, her words were spot on.

Here’s my advice - Of course, show your feelings at the BBQ. Your tears will not diminish your daughter’s confidence, confuse her, or worry her. Much as the “good-bye” will be emotionally wrenching, these genuine feelings tell your daughter how much you love her. Your daughter already knows she can manage things–you’ve given her all the right tools. Of course, you’ve told her how thrilled you are that her life is unfolding in such a joyous way. When someone lights your heart, it’s rather disingenuous if “good-bye” is a few jaunty words and a quick hug.

Here’s something I hope you do. Give your daughter a letter in which you say the things that won’t come out at the BBQ exactly as you wanted to say them. No one has ever cherished an e-mail. Give her something to read (and re-read) and to share with her own daughter in the years to come.

The Farwell

Bethany’s mom and step-dad hosted an afternoon Farewell Gathering to give friends and family an opportunity to wish them well and say their parting words.

I’d been telling her all week how much I loved her and when it came time to leave, knowing that I’d not see her again for a few months, she was the strong one.

I’ve never been shy about showing my emotions in front of my kids. How else would they know how to deal with their own when they become parents?

Still, saying goodbye wasn’t easy and when I heard her say ‘I love you, Daddy’ for what was probably the millionth time in 25 years, she was once again the same little girl who always knew how to make me melt into a puddle of love.

The Journey North

I followed along on her Facebook posts as they drove with all their belongings in a U Haul truck to Eielson Air Force Base while towing a Jeep Wrangler that’s seen better days.

On the 7th day of their journey, they arrived at their destination. Because they captured a lot of the landscape via photos, those left behind could share in their new discoveries along the way.

Knowing she’s getting settled into a new home; Knowing that Dave loves her and will provide for her: Knowing she loves me still make it easier.