Not one time have I ever heard an ‘Oh S—t,’ a ‘God—–it,’ or even a ‘Mother f—-er’ in times if anger.

Is he a freak of nature or someone who watches his language?

A recent Time Magazine article would argue for the former.

In it, writer Tiffany Sharples writes:

There is a certain four-letter word that evokes much emotion, is often uttered by mothers giving birth, and whose usage by humans is thought to be evolutionarily adaptive: f___!

It seems swearing is an evolutionary adaptation of our species.  Adapting to a better feeling is apparently the conclusion the British researchers came to:

“Swearing increases your pain tolerance,” says Richard Stephens, a psychologist and lead author of the study, which was published this week in the journal NeuroReport.’

Other studies have found similar results: that swearing in the workplace helps workers cope with the stresses of the job. However, there is some evidence to suggest even Wall St. (of all the God forsaken places) is taking notice and urging employers to take a harder look at profanity in the workplace.

It seems the almighty buck doesn’t agree with practice of expletive rich corporate cultures.

What’s a Single Parent To Do?

With all this conflicting research that seems to point toward the inevitability of Junior participating in his evolutionary right, how does a single parent -especially a single dad raising kids alone- deal with it?

Do we teach our kids to watch their language?  Do we excuse their growing vocabulary as evolutionary adaptation and urge them to curb their practices depending on the social situation or context?

Swearing and Kids

Swearing around the house (like I sometimes do) is the first exposure a child experiences. LE has certainly heard me utter ‘the F-word and the S-word’ (as he calls them), usually in response to shutting my finger in a drawer or some other careless injury.

My own behavior with swearing would seem to support Dr. Richards’ research above. When I hurt myself, -particular my right thumb which seems to have been voted Most Likely To Be Re-injured by the rest of my body- there’s nothing as instantly soothing and comforting as shouting a loud ‘F— iiiiiiit!’

For some reason, it’s fitting and it helps me cope with the instant flood of pain my thumb often produces. It also makes me feel rather guilty, though I must admit, less so as LE gets older and understands more why we behave like we do.

Kids swear for different reasons. Younger children are like digital recorders with automatic playback.  you say it and they’ll repeat it.  And often in the most inconvenient time resulting in somewhat embarrassing moments.

Older kids often swear to express anger. But they also swear to imitate their peers.

How often have you heard young teenagers communicating in the grocery store line inserting ‘sh#t’ or ‘f@$k’ for every other word thinking they will sound more adult-like?

Dads Should Set the Example

Like my dad, if you want to control your language, you just do it.  You don’t advertise to the world that you’re going to stop swearing, you simply stop.  You find other words to use instead of the profane ones.

Knowing that our kids are like sponges and soak up everything we do or say, we have a decision to make when it comes to what language we passively reinforce.  We can either choose to model restraint or not.

As I wrote in the post on spanking, it’s confusing for a child to be hit for hitting a younger sibling. It’s confusing for your child when you punish her for saying the same words you use.

If language matters, you need to set the example.

Helpful Links:

• Google Search for Swearing Around Children
• Time Magazine Article
• Right Attitudes Blog Post
• Parenting and Child Health

Children Come First

I don’t think I’ll get any disagreement there. Our kids are the most important element in our lives.  The second anything begins to compete with the time you spend with your kids, is the time to take a serious assessment of your commitments.

How Custody Effects Your Dating Life

Dad with visitation rights, have it a lot easier in one regard; you can date a woman on any night you don’t have your kids.

For me -I’m a dad with full custody of my son- and for dads who share parenting time with Ex, dating becomes a bit more of a scheduling challenge (read: nightmare).  We often have to balance dating with homework loads, early bedtimes, and dinner duties not to mention the schedule and commitments of the woman in question.

It’s not impossible, but it is significantly more challenging.

Benefits to Support the Separation of Child and Date

Regardless of the legal arrangements that dictate your parenting schedule, your dating life and your parenting life should be kept separate until everyone is ready to take the next step.

Depending on your situation, your kids may be nowhere near ready to share you with anyone else.

Kids younger than 10 years of age take a longer time to adjust to living with two parents in separate households.

The introduction of someone new in your life only threatens the already shaky confidence young kids have post-divorce or separation. Taking your time introducing her to your kids holds benefits for you, your child, and the woman in question.

Benefits for Your Child

• They have time to accept the idea of you dating before meeting someone new
• They feel less threatened and more a part of your life
• They feel less confused about the role of your new friend

Benefits for You

• You can date more women while protecting the parent-child relationship
  
• You can keep your child the center of your attentions
• You can focus on developing a relationship without endangering your relationship with your child
  

Benefits for Your Date

• She can take advantage of not being judged too soon
• She can decide whether or not to invest in the relationship

Conclusion

Single dads need occasional romantic partners that develop into healthy relationships.  This aids in their own development as a man and as a life partner.  Relationships have the potential for effecting the existing family structure that exists in the single dad’s home.

Keeping your dating life separate from your parenting can benefit all parties involved.  Bringing her home to meet your kids too soon will only lead to confusion, bruised emotions, and hurt feelings.

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Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of Watching your Language Around the Kids. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

I’ve made no secret here on Solo-Dad about the issues between me and my Ex, both past and present.

There have been times when I wanted to scream out loud a laundry list of things that bug me and hurt LE.

And yet I know it’s not fair to LE to make negative statements about her.  She is still his mother and he’s the In this post in the 31DBBSD series, I write about what’s OK to say about your child’s mother and what’s not.

The same principles remain true for Solo-Moms talking about Dads.

The Stage Is Set

Divorce leaves a lot of us embittered about many things; love, life, relationships in general, and especially about our Ex.

Many of us begin our collection of euphemisms to use in referring to our former spouse.  Deadbeat, dirt bag, what’s-her-name, the Ex, and some even less flattering terms.

These may give us temporary solace in our moments of pain, but they do us little good in the long run. Sooner or later we learn to discard these nicknames because it generates more negative energy.

There are times when dads are -without good cause- kept from their children because of the mom’s anger.  A friend of mine lost track of his son for more than 20 years because his ex-disappeared with the boy soon after they separated.  (Just recently they found one another again via the wonders of Google. )

Regardless of the situation around your visitation with your children, they are the ones to lose when you engage in negative name calling and other less positive communication methods.

It’s Your Child Who Suffers More

James Allison, Divorce Attorney writes the following in an article on DivorceSource.com:

Repeated negative comments from one parent about the other causes incredible stress on that child and prevents [him] from being able to maintain a healthy attitude toward marriage…when it comes time for the child to develop a relationship with the opposite sex. (See link to article below.)

Children of divorce always feel pulled from two halves of their world like human chess pieces manipulated by seasoned players.  It behooves both parents to realize this and act accordingly.

Easier Said that Done

Yeah, I know. It’s hard to hold your tongue when you know your Ex isn’t measuring up in any number of areas. However knowing that what you say in front of your child will hurt them -no matter how justified you feel in saying it- should help deter the frequency of your remarks.

Some Examples of What’s Not OK to Ask or Say

• “Boy, you’re mom’s boy friend sure is over at your house a lot.” Your child doesn’t want to betray their mother by commenting on the frequency of the boyfriend’s visits.  Depending on their age, they wouldn’t be able to add anything but what they observe anyway.
• “What was your mom thinking when she…..” No matter how this question ends, it places the child in a defensive posture. He can’t know what his mother was thinking, then or at any time in the future.
• “I’ll sure be glad when your mom gets her act together.” OK, I admit it. I’ve gone down this road and immediately regretted it.  The look on LE’s face told the story of how he felt: Sad for his mom, disappointed in me.  Lesson learned.
• “If your mom doesn’t do __________, then I’m going to ________.” These types of veiled threats only make the child retreat in fear.  They foster resentment and further threaten your child’s tenuous world.

Some Suggestions for Change

1. Stop. Now. If any of the above statements sound vaguely familiar, you need to stop now. You probably already know that by uttering these kind of remarks, the relationship you have with your child is stressed further. Nothing you say is worth risking that.
2. Take a time out. Sounds juvenile, I know.  But when you feel the urge to make an editorial comment that potentially could have these adverse effects on your child, take a few seconds and consider what will really be accomplished? If you know it’s not helping your child cope with the situation, it’s best not to say it.
3. Try complimenting their mother instead. Find something, (look very hard if you need to) that you admire about your Ex and say that instead: Not in a moment of anger, but in a neutral one.  Let you child know that although you and their mother no longer live together, you both are able to see the good in the other.  This allows your child to feel good about you both.
4. Take the higher road. Sometimes it’s hard not to respond  in anger or with a derogatory remark when you hear something from your child that’s insulting. How do you respond when your four year-old says, “Mommy said you don’t want to give us any money.” It’s easy to respond in kind. By taking the higher ground, your remarks can focus on assurance, security, and love instead.  When you do that, it gives your child much needed support and assurance that she will always be provided for by you.

Check Your Anger and Guilt at the Door

Both of these intense emotional states are completely normal responses to separation, divorce (especially messy ones), and infrequent child visitation.  Each has something to teach us about our current situation.

The problem arises when we allow these states to influence our future behavior.  They can easily flavor our language with derisive comments and vitriolic speeches if not kept in check.

If these two states are a problem, get some help.  Most employers have an agreement with an company that provides free, confidential referrals to mental health professionals.  I recently called mine and gained a referral for LE for some ongoing issues.  If these services are available through your employer, get the assistance you need in communicating with your child. You’ll both be glad you did.

Helpful Links:

• Book: Between Two Worlds – The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce
• The 7 Worst Things to Say to a Child During Divorce
• Good Communication During Divorce
• Helping Children and Youth Live With Separation and Divorce

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Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of Single Dads Dating. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

70% of American parents spank their kids on an ‘as needed’ basis. How is it we’ve come to accept that assaulting a child helps them learn?

If you spank your children, I hope you’ll read this post in its entirety and then pause to examine your reasons for hitting your child. Ask yourself if hitting a small child is ever really in their best interest.

First of all let me say that as young father, I spanked three of my four kids. All totaled, I think I spanked each one time. But it was one time (3 total) too many.

And I regret it to this day. I can’t recall ever spanking LE and I’m glad I changed my mind on spanking by the time he came along.

Some Personal History with Spanking

As a child, I was spanked by both parents.  Sometimes as a small child -I guess to add some sort of extra measure of humiliation…as if getting hit by your parents isn’t humiliating enough- I was spanked with my pants pulled down.

I’ve been spanked at home with bare hands, a long tendril from a willow tree (which to a child is like a whip), as well as with a belt.

Why did my parents use corporeal punishment?  Because their parents did. Why did their parents use it? Because their parents did.  And so it goes.

Ask any parent why they spank and they’ll tell you because they learned it from their primary caregivers…kind of a false term when you think about a caregiver hitting a child, eh?

I was spanked (beaten is a more accurate definition) at a public elementary school (this was in Texas in the 1960s) with a wooden spanking device that looked like it was specially made for such use.  It resembled a wooden paddle with holes drilled in the widest portion (so as to decrease wind resistance and therefore impart more force).

In Junior High I was beaten by my PE teacher (again, in Texas) for not answering roll call fast enough. My friends and I use to hold out our hands prior to roll call to see who was trembling the least. Usually we couldn’t decide who won.  We were all equally afraid of being called out and subsequently beaten if we didn’t answer roll call in carefully timed call and response style manner.

I can recall a friend of mine, Paul McClure, being made to bend over and touch his toes while the coach took what looked like a cricket bat and delivered three blows to his backside from a standing position.  Why this assault and battery of a 13 year-old boy? He didn’t steal anything; he didn’t get into a fight. So what was his crime that was so worthy of this punishment?  He’d lost his gym clothes.

Note: We also started the day with the entire school saying the Lord’s Prayer each morning. Another irony involving spirituality and sanctioned violence.

Spanking and the Solo-Dad

Dads who don’t have custody of their kids often are accused of not being consistent in their approach to discipline. Some abandon all forms of discipline assume the posture of a Disneyland Dad.  This isn’t good either.

As a solo-dad (or mom) we may have different takes on discipline. When your views and those of your ex spouse are at odds, especially when spanking is one of them, there is real potential for confusing your child.

What’s OK at Dad’s might not be at Mom’s. A behavior allowed by Mom may get the child a spanking by Dad and vice versa.

Having both parents eliminate spanking as a possibility can go a long way in encourage normal, healthy psychosocial development.

Some Popular Arguments in Support of Spanking

No doubt you’ve heard these before and you may hold some of them as valid.

1. Spanking is authorized in the Bible. …Spare the rod and spoil the child…
2. It’s the only thing that gets a child’s attention.
3. My parents spanked me and I turned out OK.
4. A child needs to know their limits.

My Responses to These Arguments

1. Actually, spanking isn’t biblical.  See the expanded explanation below.
2. Hitting anyone gets their attention.  So does a hug, a firm voice, or consistent body language.
3. That may be, but if you’re basing your acceptance of spanking on your parent’s example, then everything they did bringing you up must have been correct.  Didn’t you ever mutter under your breath, ‘If I ever have kids, I’ll sure do things differently.’  Are you?
4. It’s true that children need to understand their social and physical limits. But by spanking them, you’re teaching them that it’s OK for an adult to hit a child. Is that what you really want to teach?  If so, then why not teach them to cheat, lie, and steal as well? Are you sanctioning violence while disdaining theft? This isn’t lost on children; imagine how confusing it must seem.

Spanking Isn’t Biblical

Proponents of spanking often point to sacred texts in the Bible that give the impression that spanking a child should be considered normal.

Spanking is hitting a child. Hitting is the willful act of committing physical battery against another being. No matter how you qualify it, you can’t get around this basic definition.

WWJD – What would Jesus do? I doubt very seriously if he would’ve ever struck a child. If he didn’t strike back when beaten prior to being crucified, can you really imagine him spanking a child who misbehaved?

As quoted in the excellent article, 10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child by Bill Sears, MD on AskDrSears.com:

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” (Prov. 22:15)

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Prov. 13:24)

“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” (Prov. 23:13-14)

“The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.” (Prov. 29:15)

At first glance these verses may sound pro-spanking. But you might consider a different interpretation of these teachings. “Rod” (shebet) means different things in different parts of the Bible. The Hebrew dictionary gives this word various meanings: a stick (for punishment, writing, fighting, ruling, walking, etc.).

While the rod could be used for hitting, it was more frequently used for guiding wandering sheep.  Shepherds didn’t use the rod to beat their sheep – and children are certainly more valuable than sheep.

As shepherd-author Philip Keller teaches so well in A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23, the shepherd’s rod was used to fight off prey and the staff was used to gently guide sheep along the right path. (“Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4).

Facts About Spanking

1. Spanking models violence - It’s the ultimate irony for a child. They hit another child or sibling and their parent smacks them and tells them hitting is wrong.

2. Spanking doesn’t prevent an undesirable behavior. It simple interrupts it. Violence in any form doesn’t accomplish anything positive. To believe that spanking is corrective is to believe that violence solves behavioral problems. Violence never solves problems, it only creates new ones.

3. Spanking is what parents do when they don’t know what else to do. If every parent read a book on positive discipline, they’d see that hitting a child isn’t an effective means of correcting behavior. If that were the case, then children abused by their parents wouldn’t grow to be abusers themselves; any intelligent person who’s read anything on child development of parenting knows this is true.

4. Spanking devalues both the child and the parent. The child feels like a punching bag and learns that it’s OK for children to be hit by adults. The parent feel horrible afterward. (And if you don’t feel bad about spanking your child there is some deep soul searching to be done.) What I find even more abhorrent is the authorization by parents for Grandparents to spank.

Having a grandparent spank a grandchild is a deep violation of family trust and does more damage to the family unit than most who approve of this realize.

5. Spanking and slapping hands teaches your children that it’s OK be be hit. As I stated above, it’s the ultimate irony to be punished for hitting by being hit.

Dr. Phil’s Stance on Spanking

Psychologist Dr. Michele Borba states in an article on iVillage.com, exposes the myth that spanking encourages good, moral development:

“Spanking squelches moral growth. It stops kids from misbehaving because they want to avoid punishment (the lowest level of moral development), not because they want to do what is right.”

The bottom line (pardon that pun) is that spanking is the easy way out.  It’s easy to spank when you’re out of ideas for positively disciplining a child.  But that doesn’t make it right.  It just makes it convenient.

Spanking never solves the problem you’re trying solve or eliminates the behavior you’re trying to get rid of. Think about it.  If I hit you each time you acted a certain way, your first reaction wouldn’t be to avoid the behavior; it would be to avoid me.

Spanking slowly creates a wedge between the child and the parent that parents, for the most part, are oblivious to.  It’s as real as for the child as the iceberg that sunk the Titanic but it remains invisible to the parent because they believe they are doing what’s in the best interest of the child.

Spanking Results In Fear

Over about ten years,  a family member of mine disciplined his kids so often and so severely that to this day, as adults they still fear him. And why wouldn’t they?

Instead of investing some time and personal growth of his own investigating and learning how to effectively discipline his kids, he simply repeated what his own parents did to him.

When it comes to parenting, history repeats itself unless a concerted effort is made to make different choices.  Unless a parent educates him or herself in positive discipline, he/she is bound to repeat the transgression of their own parents.

As a Solo-Dad (or Mom), ask yourself this question: “Do I really want to teach my child that it’s OK for parents to hit their children?

Solo-Dad’s Parenting Class Experience

When I gained custody of LE, I was ordered by the court to attend Parenting Without Violence – a class for parents on both ends of the domestic violence spectrum – both perpetrators and victims were in this class.

Two very clear experiences come to mind.  One involved a discussion about spanking.  There was a guy who actually said in defense of spanking…’My mother used to spank us with extension cords and we all turned out OK.’

That he excused the behavior of his mother by stating he turned out OK was the first sign something wasn’t right.  Then he stated quite proudly that instead of spanking his daughters, he made them write sentences.  Yeah, he actually used a life-skill critical to their development as literate human beings as a punishment.   I’ll bet he still thinks he turned out OK.

The second experience from this parenting class was a realization I had about being spanked as a child. I realized that when my parents spanked me, the only lesson that I learned was that my parents could get angry enough to hit me.

That’s the lesson I took away from all the years my parents spanked me.  Could it be your children will remember you in a similar light?  You have the opportunity to change that today.

Resources for Change

Articles to consider:

• http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/33612.php
• http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/256
• http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/48
• http://micheleborba.ivillage.com/parenting/archives/2009/06/10-reasons-to-not-spank-your-c.html
• http://life.familyeducation.com/spanking/discipline/36133.html?detoured=1

Other resources:

• Further Reading / Books on Positive Discipline from Amazon
• Center for Non-Violent Communication – Resources for Parents

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Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of What’s OK and What’s Not in Talking About Your Ex. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

“What’s for dinner, Dad?”

It’s a common question in my house.

LE, now 13 and nearly 5′ 10″, is hungry all the time. Because he’s at the age when his emotions, body, and cognition are at the mercy of hormonal influences, he’s undergoing some rapid changes.

Chief among them is his appetite. It knows no boundaries.

He’s never been one to overeat or eat for any other reason than hunger. It’s just that now he’s literally hungry all the time.

If you’ve got a teenager, you know what I mean.  If you work full time and come home to a house where hungry mouths await you, you also know what I mean.

I’ve found that planning meals for a week, not only helps with the preparation of  nutritious meals, but also saves me money on groceries.

Meal Planning Saves Money & Time

Some will look at this topic and say, “That’s not for me. I’d rather just wing it.” But there a few problems with winging it when it comes to meals.

1. Meals are limited to the ingredients you have on hand. That doesn’t always result in nutritionally balanced meals. Not a big deal once in a while, but over the long run it may not be a practice you’d like to continue.
2. Shopping is more frequent and more costly. Multiple trips to your supermarket in any one week can boost your  fuel consumption and associated costs and further limit time spent at home with your child.

While i agree that grocery shopping is great way to teach your child about the economics and fundamentals of wise food choices, it’s not a lesson you want to hold on a daily basis.  That defeats the main purpose of planning your meals.

By purchasing only what you need for the week’s meals, you spend less on impulse items and that can save you a bundle.

How To Use A Menu Planner

Using a menu planner is like using your day-minder or calendar. You fill in the blanks and shop accordingly. It’s that simple. It doesn’t require a degree in the culinary sciences or home economics.

The helpful folks over at Unclutterer.com have a handy menu/meal planning tool that I use.  The link to download it is included at the end of this post along with a link to a helpful post.

Here’s an example of a typical weekly meal plan here at Solo-Dad’s house:

See how easy it can be?  Unclutterer.com suggests using a Saturday morning to plan your meals but all you really need is 20 or 30 minutes to do an adequate job.

Depending on the age of your child, involve them in the planning. This is a good way to teach wise food choices and it lets them contribute in a positive manner.

To get started with planning your weekly menu, follow these steps.

Step 1: Download the Weekly Meal Planner in PDF.

Step 2: Fill it out.  A useful tip is to look through a cookbook. One of my favorites is Rachael Ray’s ‘Just In Time.’ It’s full of complete meals that you can prepare in 30, 60, or 90 minutes.

Step 3: Based on your menu choices, fill out the items you need to shop for in the right hand sidebar.

As I mentioned earlier, the folks at http://Unclutterer.com have written about this in a concise manner.  You can read their post here: Creating a Weekly Meal Plan.

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Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of ‘spanking your child’ and why I’m passionately devoted to non-violence even in child discipline. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

Welcome to Day 3 of the 31 Days To Become A Better Solo-Dad! Today’s post addresses an all too common pitfall made by single dads who may not get to spend a lot of time with their kids. It’s often referred to as the Disneyland Dad Syndrome and it can end up harming your relationship with your kids.

Definition

Disneyland Dad: Single dads who, perhaps because of the limited time spent with the kids, buy extravagant gifts, eat out every meal, take them on expensive trips, give into their every whim, forget about discipline, and generally treat them like visiting royalty instead of children.

It’s the weekend and you’re naturally excited because you get the pick up the kids. Maybe you’ll go the movies and see the latest Pixar or Disney film; Maybe you’ll take them to the county fair – that’s always fun.

By the time the weekend concludes, both kids may be weighed down in souvenirs and trinkets, but they’re simply evidence of the great time you had together.

What’s wrong with that?

Plenty.

It’s called the Disneyland Dad Syndrome and nearly all single dads and moms (those without physical custody slip into it at first. Some never get over it.

It begins innocently with a few gifts purchased for the kids just because you love them.  Then the next weekend it’s a trip to the beach.  That’s followed by a lavish birthday gift that you hope will remind them of you when you’re not around.

On the surface, this natural expression of giving to your child may seem harmless, but it place your relationship with your child at risk in several ways.

Disneyland Dad Syndrome’s Harmful Effects

1. It creates the illusion that your relationship is based on ‘things.’ Kids will come to expect this same level of gifting and entertainment from the absent parent. When it stops, they might even think you’ve stopped loving them. That’s not a risk many solo-dads would be willing to take.
   
2. It’s an unsustainable situation. Sooner or later you’ll run of both money and ideas.  It will exhaust you and you’ll end up feeling like you’ve failed your kids…again.
   
3. Your children will ultimately mimic your behavior. You know how kids mimic everything they see?  They’re like  sponges that soak up everything they come into contact with.  You don’t want your child growing to believe that all relationships are based on this approach. Only by demonstrating an emotionally healthy parenting style will you encourage your child’s future parenting.
   

Helpful Reading

The links below contain articles that address solutions such as:

1. Planning ahead for weekend activities and even some downtime.
2. Aiming for consistency in your time together.
3. Treating your kids like they live there (in your home) and not like their visiting.
4. And my favorite, just be normal.
   

• Mr. Dad on Disneyland Dads
• 10 Ways To Avoid Becoming a Disneyland Dad

In the next post, we’ll look at how Planning Meals in Advance can simplify the daily dinner duties and save you money at the same time.  Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

From a child’s perspective, nothing is more important that having time with their absent parent. I see it now more than ever even though Little Elvis is 13 years old.  When his mother cancels on him or has to forfeit her midweek sleep over night, he still is disappointed and saddened.  Today’s post is aimed at highlighting practical ways to prevent this from happening to your child.

Make Time With Your Child a Top Priority

Children Need Their Fathers. As I stated in the introduction to the post, nothing is more important to a child who doesn’t live with his or her dad than the time they get to be together.

Knowing this enables a Solo-Dad to better plan his commitments so as to minimize the chances that he’ll have to cancel, reschedule, or forfeit his scheduled visitation.

Even though life circumstances, economics, and career demands sometime make it necessary to cancel these visits, they should be the exception rather than the rule.

When dads aren’t in the home or seen by the kids on a frequent basis, it’s even more crucial that they keep their commitments to visitation.

Practical Tips for Strengthening Your Commitment

For Non-Custodial Dads: If you don’t have physical custody of your children, in some ways it’s easier to make your time with them a priority. After all, your time with them was most likely determined by the custody agreement.

Typically this means two weekends per month. Maybe you also have a midweek sleepover or evening visit.  To make these limited amounts of time count for both you and your kids, make them sacrosanct by considering the suggestions below:

1. Schedule the time. Block out the dates in your planner, Outlook calendar, Blackberry or iPhone, or other time tracking tool.
   
2. Refuse all other commitments. On the days you’re scheduled to spend time with your kids, don’t allow work, social commitments, or even a hot date to interfere.
3. Limit the big outings. Not every weekend needs to be a trip to Disneyland. Some weekends are better spent playing board games or working on a new craft. Kids need regular home-time with dad as much as they do with mom. They need to know they have an authentic dad and not a Disneyland dad.
   
4. Make the transition time meaningful. Kids need time to transition between being at your home and returning to their mom’s. When my son Ben was younger, he would be angry upon returning to his mother’s home for about an hour before getting back to his normal behavior. While expected, it decreased significantly when I took the time to slow things down in those final hours of the visit.  About an hour before it’s time to take them back to their mom’s house, take some time to spend talking about whatever they want. This is a good time to talk about the coming week, activities at school, and anything else that’s important to them.  It can be over ice cream, a dinner out, or just on the couch cuddling. It helps them transition back to being at mom’s and it also helps you transition to a suddenly empty house when you return home.
   

For Custodial or Co-Parenting Dads: Dads who have physical custody or co-parenting arrangements often have a tougher time making time with the kids a priority.  Think about it – when they’re always around, the inherent risk is to take their presence for granted.

In addition to the enumerated points above for non-custodial dads, consider the following suggestions:

1. Spend time with your kids alone. Some call this ‘dating your child’ though I’ve never liked that phrase. Whatever you decide to label it, if you have more than one child keep in mind they are still individuals.  Being such, they need time alone with their dad just like any other kid.  This is harder to do as a non-custodial dad, but since you have your kids half to full-time, it’s easier schedule time in this manner.  David over at DadsHouseBlog is an example of a dad who does this.  Many of his posts talk about his daughter and how he stays involved in her life even though she’s driving and growing more independent.
2. Eat dinner together. This is one the oldest and most effective methods of keeping in touch with what’s going on with your child. Turning the TV off and eating in a dedicated dining room -if possible- is an even better idea. There is perhaps no better way to establish a regular and consistent communication exchange between you and your children.

Time is Precious

While the popular culture we live in is full of multiple mechanisms for staying in touch with our children, nothing beats a heart-to-heart talk.

Mohondas Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Make the commitment to honor the time you spend with your children.  One day they will mimic your behavior in this area.

Take the time now to ensure they will do the same for their own children.

In the next post, we’ll look at how not to become a Disneyland Dad. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

In this series if posts, we’re going to examine 31 ways you can work toward becoming the Solo-Dad you want to be in your kids’ lives.

This is not a 31 day crash course and I don’t expect you to work on each of these areas of your parenting on subsequent days. Rather, it’s an invitation to examine those areas of your solo-parenting that might be in need of enrichment or attention.

So, with that in mind, let’s get started with the first post in the series.

Pay Your Child Support On Time

Yes, I know. This is a sensitive subject and it’s one that I’ve lived through from both sides. I’ve been a solo-dad ordered to pay child support as well as a solo-dad who isn’t receiving any support from my child’s mother.

It’s tough on both sides of the issue.  Let’s see if we can make it less emotional and more practical.

And while most US family courts will order that child support payments are deducted from the parent’s paycheck, some situations still depend on manual payment of support directly from father to mother or vice-versa.

The Sole Reason for Child Support: Provision for the child’s needs.

Obviously, the main reason family courts order child support payments if to help provide for your child.

No Solo-Dad I’ve ever met wants their children to have less,  go hungry, or live in a household where hand-me-downs are the rule.

Dads want all these things and more, for their kids. Some dads will say, “Let me take Junior to Target or Walmart and I’ll buy him the clothes  or other items he needs.”  While this is a laudable goal, I’ve rarely seen it work as a regular feature of visitation.

I may get some heated comments about this but, Solo-Dads aren’t, as a rule, as in touch with the ins-and-outs of childhood fashion and decision making it requires to stay on top of the daily clothing needs of a small child or a teen.

In most situations where the kids only visit their dad, mom is better suited for this. As the custodial parent, she’s the ones doing the laundry and see the wear and tear on the child’s wardrobe.

Why Your Payments Should Be Made On Time

Making ends meet is tough any way you slice it.  In current economic times, it’s even tougher.  Kids in solo-parent households are twice as likely to do without daily necessities as kids in two-parent families.

Making your child support payments on time enables you to do your part to ensure your child is able to enjoy the necessities of life. Unless your Ex is addicted to drugs or just a very poor money manager, your children will most likely be better off when your child support payments are made on time because they will have enough food, water, and power to live a normal existence.

There were times when I didn’t make timely child support payments.  I recall one time in particular when I learned that my kids didn’t have enough food. It broke my heart to know that I could have prevented that. It taught me a valuable lesson and I never again viewed child support payments as a necesary evil.

This brings me to another point and that is how a lot of Solo-Dad view their child support payments.  There is a common misconception about child support that needs to be mentioned.

The Punitive Stigma of Child Support Perhaps perpetuated by both sides, child support has often been perceived as a punitive measure, a disciplinary sentence of sorts. This sets up both parents for battle and often the children lose.

Too often, Solo-Moms who feel that their Ex is responsible for the end of the marriage use child support and spousal-support as tools to taunt and hurt. Again, I’ve seen this first-hand and it’s nothing but counterproductive.

Gender roles and conditioning play a part here.  When child support and spousal support are used in this way, a dad often feels emasculated. And counter to the original intent, it doesn’t nothing to make him more likely to make payments on time. If anything, it results in hurt feelings and a reaction that, while inexcusable, too often includes  further delays in payment of support.

Dads Need to Set the Example

Taking the easy way out and not doing what we know is right weakens the example our kids need from us.

“I don’t like the way she spends the support.” This is another common cry among Solo-Dads when it comes to making child support payments.  Guys, this totally misses the point.

The act of paying the support an the expression of love for your child.

Plain and simple, we pay it because we love our child and we want to make sure we’re doing everything in our power to provide the necessities for them. This is one excuse that child support paying Solo-Dads need to get over.

How to Make Your Child Support Count

Perhaps a better way is to work with your Ex to make child support work for both of you. This may not be possible now, but in the future perhaps you and your Ex can work together to make your child aware of how you help support them financially.

To my first Ex’s credit, after she remarried, she put the child-support money into college funds. This was a choice she and her husband made together.  They informed me and the kids about it and the kids knew that the money I paid in support was still making a difference.

If Solo-Moms and Dads could work together for the good of their kids, a lot of the relationship strain that exists between Ex’s could be reduced. I know this isn’t possible in a lot of cases, but as a Solo-Dad, keep it in mind.

Application for Day #1

Consider asking for help. Marriage, divorce, and single parenting are stages in life that don’t come with an owner’s manual.  Instead of flying by the seat of your pants and learning the hard way, why not come together and ask a qualified third-party professional for assistance?

Many counties employ divorce mediators to address custody and visitation issues.  If you have this service available, consider them as a resource for establishing an understanding between you and your Ex about how to address the issue of child support.  Both parties will gain a better understanding the responsibilities and issues the other faces.

When both of you can agree on the principle for and the mechanisms behind timely child support payments, everybody wins.  It doesn’t make coming up with the extra money any easier but it does decrease the amount of emotion, frustration, and stress around the situation.

Paying your child support on time is a win-win situation.

Ultimately, your child is the biggest winner. And isn’t that what you really want?

In Day #2 of the 31 Days to Become a Better Solo-Dad series, we’ll take a look at Making Time With Your Child a Priority.

Care to Comment? Does this post anger you as a Solo-Dad?  Does it resonate with truth? Solo-Moms – I know you’re reading too and that’s cool – am I off base?  All comments are welcome.

Can you become a more effective and happier Solo-Dad in about a month?

I think you can!

Ever since I read and participated in Darren Rowse’s 31 Days To Building a Better Blog series on ProBlogger.net (now a downloadable workbook available for only $19.95), I’ve thought about this concept of improving areas of one’s life in a month.

Naturally, here on Solo-Dad, my mind turns to helping other solo-dads become better at being the dad they want to be for their kids.

Borrowing the concept from Darren’s playbook, I’m embarking on this new series….

31 Days To Becoming a Better Solo-Dad!

In this series of posts, I’m going to write 31 posts, each about a different aspect of being a solo-dad. Each post will focused on one topic with a bit of teaching about the topic and at least one practical tip for application.

The purpose behind writing the series does not include the expectation that you can become a Super Solo-Dad in 31 days.  Rather, it’s to provide you with a resource to use when topics covered in the series apply to your family.

Here’s a partial list of topic that will be covered in the 31 Days to Become a Better Solo-Dad series that begins July 31st:

• Pay your child support on time (yes, it’s a good thing).
• Make time with your child a priority.
• Avoid the Disneyland Dad Syndrome.
• Don’t talk smack about your Ex in front of your child.
• Reconsider your views on spanking (Why you shouldn’t).
• Plan your menus in advance.
• Keep your dates away from the kids.
• Exercise with your kids.
• And many more.

How can you participate? Just check your RSS reader each day beginning July 31.

Not a subscriber? Subscribe now to the series using the following links: