Last Sunday was my 26th year celebrating Father’s Day as a dad, my 7th as a SoloDad and my first as a GrandDad.

For some in my acquaintance, days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, and anniversaries are huge events with picnic and cookouts in parks or celebrated with friends and family at home. People come out of the woodwork it seems to make the day special.

It’s never been that way for me.  More often than not, my birthday is like any other.  Father’s Day brings phone calls and a card and perhaps a gift or two.  It’s a small affair no matter what.

And that’s OK.

After all, being a father isn’t about me. It’s about my children.

Gifts, parties, celebrations…I’ve always been uncomfortable being the center of attention anyway. I’m more content to be in the background doing what I do.

This blog is the most in the way of a ‘public persona’ I am capable of creating. And it’s largely anonymous anyway.

Very few people who read these posts would know me if we passed on the street. Some have commented that having a blog is so public but I’ve found it’s only public to people who know you as the author.

As I’ve thought about this post and how it may be perceived by those closest to me, I’ve paused to consider the outcome. But in doing so, I’ve shied away from this uncomfortable topic for a long time.

Left Behind

Seven years ago I made a decision that affected the lives of many people. LE and I were effected the most. And if you’ve read my story, you know the decision and it’s immediate effects on us both.

In many ways, when I made the decision to leave my spouse to  seek protection under the law as well as full-custody of LE, I also ripped apart the fragile sense of family he clung to.

For years, his older siblings were his buddies, his big brothers and sister, embodied his definition of family beyond his parents and grandparents.I still feel it

All that came to an end when I made the decision to leave his mother and opt for safety and sanity.

Guilt

I still feel it sometimes. Guilt over forcing him to recreate his life away from his now grown siblings. Guilt over the free-fall his mother continues to experience.

I’ve often been reminded, when thinking of guilt, of the bumper sticker I saw in Los Angeles years ago that read:

Smuck Fog

I’ve often thought about creating a similar sticker to represent the uselessness of guilt. But my creative brain has as yet to come up with a catchy alternative.

Back to Father’s Day

Anyway, this past Sunday was Father’s Day and I have a great time.  Bethany and David were here from Alaska accompanied my my granddaughter, Jessi.

Ben and Crystal were also here and so LE was in heaven.  I was pretty happy, too. A few pictures from their visit follow.

“LE’s really growing up, isn’t he?”

A former colleague and mastermind buddy emailed me a week or so ago. She’d seen this video and commented on LE’s vertical growth, his deepening voice, and his overall physical maturity.

“Yes,” I countered in a reply…”but into what?”

The Metamorphosis of Attitude

Along with the metamorphosis of physical attributes that accompanies the big ‘P,’ teens experience a new set of attitudes. Encouraged by raging hormone fluxes, these attitudes are often uncontrollable at first.

It’s as if they discover their innate sense of power and ability to express themselves. Of course, how they choose to express their emotions is as individual as each emotion.

But with three teens to my parenting credit, this last trip through Teen-land might be the most challenging of all.

When it Comes to Parenting Teens, Experience Means Nothing

• Forget that I have helped co-parent three teens in the past ten years.
• Forget that each are highly functioning young adults.
• Forget that I’ve earned more degrees than 92.1% .of all Americans.
• Forget that I’ve been through this minefield and lived to tell the tale.
• Forget that I decided seven years ago to take this child and leave a household brimming with domestic violence in order to give him the chance he needed to live without fear.

It means nothing. At least where my innate teen-parenting skills are concerned.

Here’s An Example

It was 8:20a on the Sunday morning after Thanksgiving when I received the call from LE. He ‘demanded’ to know where I was.

“Buddy woke me up,” he says with emphasis on the ‘woke.’  “Where are you, anyway?”

He sounded like my father about 35 years ago.

“I’m down here at Deluxe Foods getting some coffee. I’ll be home in a few minutes.”

“OK, but Buddy was really barking, you know.”

Oh, OK. Let me drop what I’m doing to come home and silence the dog so you can continue to sleep into the afternoon!

That wasn’t really my response, but it did raise its hand in my consciousness seeking permission to express itself.

Back To Reality & to School

Of course not all days are like this.  Since Christmas, and the advent of an X-Box 360, I’ve seen little of LE except at mealtimes. OK, I’m kidding. I seen when nature calls, too.

He’s been off from school for three weeks and returns on Tuesday to the world where everyone acts like he does. In a way, I’ll be glad he back in school. But it’s also been a good Winter Break for us as a family.

Despite the X-Box factor, we’ve spent a good deal of time together.  My employer shut down for the week after Christmas and LE and I spent it together.

And even if he’s turning into a teenage mutant ninja something, he’s still the best thing in my life. 

In this series if posts, we’re going to examine 31 ways you can work toward becoming the Solo-Dad you want to be in your kids’ lives.

This is not a 31 day crash course and I don’t expect you to work on each of these areas of your parenting on subsequent days. Rather, it’s an invitation to examine those areas of your solo-parenting that might be in need of enrichment or attention.

So, with that in mind, let’s get started with the first post in the series.

Pay Your Child Support On Time

Yes, I know. This is a sensitive subject and it’s one that I’ve lived through from both sides. I’ve been a solo-dad ordered to pay child support as well as a solo-dad who isn’t receiving any support from my child’s mother.

It’s tough on both sides of the issue.  Let’s see if we can make it less emotional and more practical.

And while most US family courts will order that child support payments are deducted from the parent’s paycheck, some situations still depend on manual payment of support directly from father to mother or vice-versa.

The Sole Reason for Child Support: Provision for the child’s needs.

Obviously, the main reason family courts order child support payments if to help provide for your child.

No Solo-Dad I’ve ever met wants their children to have less,  go hungry, or live in a household where hand-me-downs are the rule.

Dads want all these things and more, for their kids. Some dads will say, “Let me take Junior to Target or Walmart and I’ll buy him the clothes  or other items he needs.”  While this is a laudable goal, I’ve rarely seen it work as a regular feature of visitation.

I may get some heated comments about this but, Solo-Dads aren’t, as a rule, as in touch with the ins-and-outs of childhood fashion and decision making it requires to stay on top of the daily clothing needs of a small child or a teen.

In most situations where the kids only visit their dad, mom is better suited for this. As the custodial parent, she’s the ones doing the laundry and see the wear and tear on the child’s wardrobe.

Why Your Payments Should Be Made On Time

Making ends meet is tough any way you slice it.  In current economic times, it’s even tougher.  Kids in solo-parent households are twice as likely to do without daily necessities as kids in two-parent families.

Making your child support payments on time enables you to do your part to ensure your child is able to enjoy the necessities of life. Unless your Ex is addicted to drugs or just a very poor money manager, your children will most likely be better off when your child support payments are made on time because they will have enough food, water, and power to live a normal existence.

There were times when I didn’t make timely child support payments.  I recall one time in particular when I learned that my kids didn’t have enough food. It broke my heart to know that I could have prevented that. It taught me a valuable lesson and I never again viewed child support payments as a necesary evil.

This brings me to another point and that is how a lot of Solo-Dad view their child support payments.  There is a common misconception about child support that needs to be mentioned.

The Punitive Stigma of Child Support Perhaps perpetuated by both sides, child support has often been perceived as a punitive measure, a disciplinary sentence of sorts. This sets up both parents for battle and often the children lose.

Too often, Solo-Moms who feel that their Ex is responsible for the end of the marriage use child support and spousal-support as tools to taunt and hurt. Again, I’ve seen this first-hand and it’s nothing but counterproductive.

Gender roles and conditioning play a part here.  When child support and spousal support are used in this way, a dad often feels emasculated. And counter to the original intent, it doesn’t nothing to make him more likely to make payments on time. If anything, it results in hurt feelings and a reaction that, while inexcusable, too often includes  further delays in payment of support.

Dads Need to Set the Example

Taking the easy way out and not doing what we know is right weakens the example our kids need from us.

“I don’t like the way she spends the support.” This is another common cry among Solo-Dads when it comes to making child support payments.  Guys, this totally misses the point.

The act of paying the support an the expression of love for your child.

Plain and simple, we pay it because we love our child and we want to make sure we’re doing everything in our power to provide the necessities for them. This is one excuse that child support paying Solo-Dads need to get over.

How to Make Your Child Support Count

Perhaps a better way is to work with your Ex to make child support work for both of you. This may not be possible now, but in the future perhaps you and your Ex can work together to make your child aware of how you help support them financially.

To my first Ex’s credit, after she remarried, she put the child-support money into college funds. This was a choice she and her husband made together.  They informed me and the kids about it and the kids knew that the money I paid in support was still making a difference.

If Solo-Moms and Dads could work together for the good of their kids, a lot of the relationship strain that exists between Ex’s could be reduced. I know this isn’t possible in a lot of cases, but as a Solo-Dad, keep it in mind.

Application for Day #1

Consider asking for help. Marriage, divorce, and single parenting are stages in life that don’t come with an owner’s manual.  Instead of flying by the seat of your pants and learning the hard way, why not come together and ask a qualified third-party professional for assistance?

Many counties employ divorce mediators to address custody and visitation issues.  If you have this service available, consider them as a resource for establishing an understanding between you and your Ex about how to address the issue of child support.  Both parties will gain a better understanding the responsibilities and issues the other faces.

When both of you can agree on the principle for and the mechanisms behind timely child support payments, everybody wins.  It doesn’t make coming up with the extra money any easier but it does decrease the amount of emotion, frustration, and stress around the situation.

Paying your child support on time is a win-win situation.

Ultimately, your child is the biggest winner. And isn’t that what you really want?

In Day #2 of the 31 Days to Become a Better Solo-Dad series, we’ll take a look at Making Time With Your Child a Priority.

Care to Comment? Does this post anger you as a Solo-Dad?  Does it resonate with truth? Solo-Moms – I know you’re reading too and that’s cool – am I off base?  All comments are welcome.

Show me a single parent household and I’ll show you a household in need of more income.

Now, I realize there are exceptions to this bold statement, but I’m confident that 8 out of 10 single parent households don’t realize the kind of income they need to provide a lifestyle that ensures:

• Bills are paid on time.
• Kids aren’t left alone to care for themselves.
• Lack of money isn’t what drives a parent’s thinking.
• Vacations actually happen every year.
• Emergency expenditures don’t automatically trigger financial ruin.

This post is a mix of personal rant (mainly against the attitude I’ve allowed to inhibit my income growth) and part vision for the future of Solo-Dad (and yours as well).

Since the Great Solo-Dad Blog Meltdown about a month ago, I’ve been looking at Solo-Dad.com in terms of its mission and asking myself these questions:

• What’s the value that Solo-Dad brings to readers?
• What are the most prevalent needs among solo-parent families and what can I do to help meet them?
• What could Solo-Dad adopt as a secondary focus in order to help other solo-parents?
• What’s the best way to make this a reality?

Like I said, this post is personal.

I’ve realized over the last year that I hold many false beliefs about myself and mainly about money. I grew up in a middle class family where my dad worked and mother was home with the kids for her entire life.

This was good and bad. It was good because I never came home to an empty house.  Sure, there were times when mom was out running an errand or sick and in the hospital. But for the most part, my brother, sister, and I weren’t left to fend for ourselves or police our own homework completion.

It was bad because there were limitations to what a single wage earner income could provide.  Although my father is one of the smartest people I’ve ever known, he didn’t earn a college degree.

And although he worked in aerospace and helped put Niel Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on the moon in 1969, he was never paid what he truly needed to earn in order to provide his family with the lifestyle he envisioned. And this brings me to the topic of stability.

The link between money and family stability.

In my experience, the more discretionary income I have at the end of the month, the more content I feel.

There are those that will say, “Oh Barry, how can you be so superficial? Having LE in your life should be more than enough to feel content.”

Yes, I would agree in theory. But LE doesn’t pay the bills or save for his college education. He doesn’t have to find the money for a new tire or a nice dinner.  He simply doesn’t have to think about these things like I do.

More money leads to greater contentment.

I’ve never met a single parent who thought otherwise. The more money we have, the better able we are as solo-parents to provide for our kids. Being in this position leads to more contentment.

When parents are more content, their children are more content as well.  Kids have an uncanny ability to soak up our emotional states.  They know when we’re worried or anxious.  It’s nearly impossible not to telegraph our emotional states.

If my logic holds up, it stands that  one way to ensure our families are more content and happier is to increase the amount of discretionary income in our lives.

The concept of enough.

Rather than a quest for unspecified riches, there are limits to what’s possible for a solo-parent provider to accomplish in life. One of these limits is time.  We only have so much time.

The other limitation is the concept of enough. What’s enough for you to achieve that state of financial contentment that translates into a happier and more secure household?

• $10,000 in the bank?
• 50% more than your current income?
• $100K per year?

Different people will have different answers.  I firmly believe there is no ‘right’ answer to this question. But, too often, most of us never bother to ask or answer this question.

Solo-Dad’s primary and secondary focus.

The concept of enough not only involves money, but lifestlye choices.  It includes what we do for a living as well as the role we play in the lives of others.  For me, that includes the readers of Solo-Dad.com.

In determining the focus for Solo-Dad, I’ve realized my experiences in raising 4 kids in various solo-dad existences makes this Solo-Dad’s primary focus.

The secondary focus for Solo-Dad is taking shape and -while still in the fuzzy-vision stage- it involves helping other solo-parents make more money.

Fuzzy-vision means I haven’t decided how to make this a reality. There are many options, but I want to undertake only those that have the potential to provide real value to readers without resorting to hawking snake oil or making money simply by people clicking on ads.

Your Thoughts?

If you’re interested in or turned off my this topic, why not tell me about it? Feedback in any form is always useful.

I have four children and all are amazing individuals:

• Ben is 21, recently married Crystal and is a criminal justice major at the University of Phoenix.
• Jeremy is 23 and a mechanical engineering major at San Francisco State University
• LE is 13 and manages to put up with me on a daily basis.

Bethany Sara is my oldest and was married last July.  She’s 25, pregnant with her first baby, and married to 2nd Lt. David Anderson.

Always a Gentleman, Now An Officer

Last Sunday, LE and I had the priviledge of attending David’s commissioning as a 2nd Lieutenant in the US Air Force.

David is a gentleman in the truest sense of the word.  As I’ve become better acquainted with the man my daughter chose as her husband, my respect for him has grown accordingly.

His love for Bethany is evident in every word spoken and action taken.

For dads with daughters, there isn’t a better feeling than knowing their little girls are loved, cared for, respected, and cherished.

David holds both a BS in Aviation and recently received his MBA in Finance. Very soon he and Bethany will be moving further down the coast of California where he’ll become the Finance Officer at Vandenberg AFB near Lompoc.

Surprisingly Emotional

I wasn’t sure what to expect for a military commissioning ceremony. But I was surpriseb by how emotional it was.  Each of the four commissionees had a slideshow produced by the cadets in the ROTC detachment at San Jose State University where the ceremony was held.

Each slideshow, set to music, was a celebration of their life as it led to this moment in time.  Toward the end of David’s slides, there were several pictures of his and Bethany’s wedding. (I don’t have to tell you what kind of reaction it evoked in me.)

After having his bars pinned on my his mom, dad, and Bethany, he gave some brief remarks and further mentioned his love for Bethany and the excitement surrounding their pregnancy.

Here was an accomplished young man about to embark upon a career as on officer in the United States Air Force and his remarks werre centered on his love for family and his bride.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, he’s both an officer and a gentleman and if it meant anything at all, I’d happily salute him.

Here’s LE, Dave, and me after the ceremony.

And yes, it does seem like only yesterday that I delivered my oldest son and held him in my arms while tears of joy fell onto his tiny face.

That I delivered Ben (the obstetrician didn’t show because she was delivering another baby across town) made his birth even more momentous that is was destined to be.

A few weeks ago, that same little boy who now towers over me in stature as well as in gentleness, promised to love and cherish his beloved Crystal at the Mountain Winery in Saratoga, California.

I sat on the front row one chair away from his mother and next to Mike, her husband.  It was the second time we sat together in this situation.  Our daughter Bethany was married last July.

While her wedding was a tear-jerker of royal proportions for Solo-Dad, Ben’s wedding evoked a different kind of emotion.

It was pride in the man he’s turned out to be, pride in seeing my daughter (a bridesmaid) shed her own tears as she watched her younger brother take a bride.  Her expression was one of pure tenderness and I’ll never forget it.

My tears flowed once again. They reminded me of moments gone by and how rapidly time passes.  One minute we’re holding a tiny baby boy and in a moment’s time we’re comforting him after he strikes out in Little League baseball.

One minute I’m picking him up from an 8th grade dance at Junior High and the next I’m sitting in a chapel on top of a mountain watching this tall, slender, handsome young man walk away with his bride.

Ben and Crystal made this day special not only for themselves but for family as well.  I was able to see my step-son Jeremy as Best Man, Bethany Sara (pregnant and cute as a button) as a bridesmaid, and Little Elvis as a groomsman giving Jeremy a run for his money in the height department.

My parents were there as well though my mom was in a wheelchair.  Still the evening was magic and it’s one that I will never forget.

Some additional pictures are below.