Born November 5, 2009   Fairbanks, Alaska   11:02 a.m. AST

“Practically Perfect In Every Way…”

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It was midnight on November 5 when Bethany called me to tell me her water had broken and she and David (and her mom who’d flown up a few days before) were on their way to the hospital.

Needless to say, any hope of sleeping the rest of the night was wasted.   My mind returned over and over to days of yester-year when this beautiful girl was dancing her way into my heart.

And now the time had come when my own little girl, my first-born, was going to give birth to her own.

It’s a surreal moment when life unfolds through your children. Somehow I felt as if a portion of my being was being reborn in this little bundle of sweetness. And it was all happening thousands of miles away and yet within my own heart.

When I woke LE the next morning I told him that the day when he’d become an uncle for the first time had arrived.  And though I needed to go to work and he to school, I’d text him when I knew something.

I was at a Japanese restaurant when Bethany called me, just an hour after Jessica arrived. I broke away from the loud chatter in the background and went outside to take the call.

“Hi Daddy! You’re a GrandDad!”

Five little words reduced me to mush. I crumbled into a blubbering mass right outside the restaurant. The emotions were overpowering and under the magnitude of their significance, I felt an immense sense of joy and pride.

Incredible pride for my daughter who so heroically brought her baby into the world. Joy in the knowledge that Jessica was here among us and enveloped in so much love.

I’ve witnessed all three births of my biological children (even delivered my son Benjamin) and I am convinced there is no more heroic act than that of a woman enduring the selfless act of childbirth. Nothing I have ever done nor could ever do could compare.

I learned she was 6 pounds, 8 ounces and 19 inches in length with curly blonde hair.

Then I heard her cry. Bethany was holding her and it was evident she was hungry!  And I crumbled yet again. My tears flowed like a river and my heart was like a geyser showering her in love.  In an instant, my whole identity, my entire life had changed.

My life changed forever when Bethany Sara was born. How fitting that she should give me this precious gift of a granddaughter and forever change my life again.

70% of American parents spank their kids on an ‘as needed’ basis. How is it we’ve come to accept that assaulting a child helps them learn?

If you spank your children, I hope you’ll read this post in its entirety and then pause to examine your reasons for hitting your child. Ask yourself if hitting a small child is ever really in their best interest.

First of all let me say that as young father, I spanked three of my four kids. All totaled, I think I spanked each one time. But it was one time (3 total) too many.

And I regret it to this day. I can’t recall ever spanking LE and I’m glad I changed my mind on spanking by the time he came along.

Some Personal History with Spanking

As a child, I was spanked by both parents.  Sometimes as a small child -I guess to add some sort of extra measure of humiliation…as if getting hit by your parents isn’t humiliating enough- I was spanked with my pants pulled down.

I’ve been spanked at home with bare hands, a long tendril from a willow tree (which to a child is like a whip), as well as with a belt.

Why did my parents use corporeal punishment?  Because their parents did. Why did their parents use it? Because their parents did.  And so it goes.

Ask any parent why they spank and they’ll tell you because they learned it from their primary caregivers…kind of a false term when you think about a caregiver hitting a child, eh?

I was spanked (beaten is a more accurate definition) at a public elementary school (this was in Texas in the 1960s) with a wooden spanking device that looked like it was specially made for such use.  It resembled a wooden paddle with holes drilled in the widest portion (so as to decrease wind resistance and therefore impart more force).

In Junior High I was beaten by my PE teacher (again, in Texas) for not answering roll call fast enough. My friends and I use to hold out our hands prior to roll call to see who was trembling the least. Usually we couldn’t decide who won.  We were all equally afraid of being called out and subsequently beaten if we didn’t answer roll call in carefully timed call and response style manner.

I can recall a friend of mine, Paul McClure, being made to bend over and touch his toes while the coach took what looked like a cricket bat and delivered three blows to his backside from a standing position.  Why this assault and battery of a 13 year-old boy? He didn’t steal anything; he didn’t get into a fight. So what was his crime that was so worthy of this punishment?  He’d lost his gym clothes.

Note: We also started the day with the entire school saying the Lord’s Prayer each morning. Another irony involving spirituality and sanctioned violence.

Spanking and the Solo-Dad

Dads who don’t have custody of their kids often are accused of not being consistent in their approach to discipline. Some abandon all forms of discipline assume the posture of a Disneyland Dad.  This isn’t good either.

As a solo-dad (or mom) we may have different takes on discipline. When your views and those of your ex spouse are at odds, especially when spanking is one of them, there is real potential for confusing your child.

What’s OK at Dad’s might not be at Mom’s. A behavior allowed by Mom may get the child a spanking by Dad and vice versa.

Having both parents eliminate spanking as a possibility can go a long way in encourage normal, healthy psychosocial development.

Some Popular Arguments in Support of Spanking

No doubt you’ve heard these before and you may hold some of them as valid.

1. Spanking is authorized in the Bible. …Spare the rod and spoil the child…
2. It’s the only thing that gets a child’s attention.
3. My parents spanked me and I turned out OK.
4. A child needs to know their limits.

My Responses to These Arguments

1. Actually, spanking isn’t biblical.  See the expanded explanation below.
2. Hitting anyone gets their attention.  So does a hug, a firm voice, or consistent body language.
3. That may be, but if you’re basing your acceptance of spanking on your parent’s example, then everything they did bringing you up must have been correct.  Didn’t you ever mutter under your breath, ‘If I ever have kids, I’ll sure do things differently.’  Are you?
4. It’s true that children need to understand their social and physical limits. But by spanking them, you’re teaching them that it’s OK for an adult to hit a child. Is that what you really want to teach?  If so, then why not teach them to cheat, lie, and steal as well? Are you sanctioning violence while disdaining theft? This isn’t lost on children; imagine how confusing it must seem.

Spanking Isn’t Biblical

Proponents of spanking often point to sacred texts in the Bible that give the impression that spanking a child should be considered normal.

Spanking is hitting a child. Hitting is the willful act of committing physical battery against another being. No matter how you qualify it, you can’t get around this basic definition.

WWJD – What would Jesus do? I doubt very seriously if he would’ve ever struck a child. If he didn’t strike back when beaten prior to being crucified, can you really imagine him spanking a child who misbehaved?

As quoted in the excellent article, 10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child by Bill Sears, MD on AskDrSears.com:

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” (Prov. 22:15)

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Prov. 13:24)

“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” (Prov. 23:13-14)

“The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.” (Prov. 29:15)

At first glance these verses may sound pro-spanking. But you might consider a different interpretation of these teachings. “Rod” (shebet) means different things in different parts of the Bible. The Hebrew dictionary gives this word various meanings: a stick (for punishment, writing, fighting, ruling, walking, etc.).

While the rod could be used for hitting, it was more frequently used for guiding wandering sheep.  Shepherds didn’t use the rod to beat their sheep – and children are certainly more valuable than sheep.

As shepherd-author Philip Keller teaches so well in A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23, the shepherd’s rod was used to fight off prey and the staff was used to gently guide sheep along the right path. (“Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4).

Facts About Spanking

1. Spanking models violence - It’s the ultimate irony for a child. They hit another child or sibling and their parent smacks them and tells them hitting is wrong.

2. Spanking doesn’t prevent an undesirable behavior. It simple interrupts it. Violence in any form doesn’t accomplish anything positive. To believe that spanking is corrective is to believe that violence solves behavioral problems. Violence never solves problems, it only creates new ones.

3. Spanking is what parents do when they don’t know what else to do. If every parent read a book on positive discipline, they’d see that hitting a child isn’t an effective means of correcting behavior. If that were the case, then children abused by their parents wouldn’t grow to be abusers themselves; any intelligent person who’s read anything on child development of parenting knows this is true.

4. Spanking devalues both the child and the parent. The child feels like a punching bag and learns that it’s OK for children to be hit by adults. The parent feel horrible afterward. (And if you don’t feel bad about spanking your child there is some deep soul searching to be done.) What I find even more abhorrent is the authorization by parents for Grandparents to spank.

Having a grandparent spank a grandchild is a deep violation of family trust and does more damage to the family unit than most who approve of this realize.

5. Spanking and slapping hands teaches your children that it’s OK be be hit. As I stated above, it’s the ultimate irony to be punished for hitting by being hit.

Dr. Phil’s Stance on Spanking

Psychologist Dr. Michele Borba states in an article on iVillage.com, exposes the myth that spanking encourages good, moral development:

“Spanking squelches moral growth. It stops kids from misbehaving because they want to avoid punishment (the lowest level of moral development), not because they want to do what is right.”

The bottom line (pardon that pun) is that spanking is the easy way out.  It’s easy to spank when you’re out of ideas for positively disciplining a child.  But that doesn’t make it right.  It just makes it convenient.

Spanking never solves the problem you’re trying solve or eliminates the behavior you’re trying to get rid of. Think about it.  If I hit you each time you acted a certain way, your first reaction wouldn’t be to avoid the behavior; it would be to avoid me.

Spanking slowly creates a wedge between the child and the parent that parents, for the most part, are oblivious to.  It’s as real as for the child as the iceberg that sunk the Titanic but it remains invisible to the parent because they believe they are doing what’s in the best interest of the child.

Spanking Results In Fear

Over about ten years,  a family member of mine disciplined his kids so often and so severely that to this day, as adults they still fear him. And why wouldn’t they?

Instead of investing some time and personal growth of his own investigating and learning how to effectively discipline his kids, he simply repeated what his own parents did to him.

When it comes to parenting, history repeats itself unless a concerted effort is made to make different choices.  Unless a parent educates him or herself in positive discipline, he/she is bound to repeat the transgression of their own parents.

As a Solo-Dad (or Mom), ask yourself this question: “Do I really want to teach my child that it’s OK for parents to hit their children?

Solo-Dad’s Parenting Class Experience

When I gained custody of LE, I was ordered by the court to attend Parenting Without Violence – a class for parents on both ends of the domestic violence spectrum – both perpetrators and victims were in this class.

Two very clear experiences come to mind.  One involved a discussion about spanking.  There was a guy who actually said in defense of spanking…’My mother used to spank us with extension cords and we all turned out OK.’

That he excused the behavior of his mother by stating he turned out OK was the first sign something wasn’t right.  Then he stated quite proudly that instead of spanking his daughters, he made them write sentences.  Yeah, he actually used a life-skill critical to their development as literate human beings as a punishment.   I’ll bet he still thinks he turned out OK.

The second experience from this parenting class was a realization I had about being spanked as a child. I realized that when my parents spanked me, the only lesson that I learned was that my parents could get angry enough to hit me.

That’s the lesson I took away from all the years my parents spanked me.  Could it be your children will remember you in a similar light?  You have the opportunity to change that today.

Resources for Change

Articles to consider:

• http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/33612.php
• http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/256
• http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/48
• http://micheleborba.ivillage.com/parenting/archives/2009/06/10-reasons-to-not-spank-your-c.html
• http://life.familyeducation.com/spanking/discipline/36133.html?detoured=1

Other resources:

• Further Reading / Books on Positive Discipline from Amazon
• Center for Non-Violent Communication – Resources for Parents

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Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of What’s OK and What’s Not in Talking About Your Ex. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

My daughter Bethany informed me a few days ago that she’s pregnant. I saw her and David yesterday when they were kind enough to cook dinner for me here in the beach bungalow. She’s already got the glow.

She looks so much like her mother that it brings back memories of when I was married (the first time) and anticipating the birth of my first child….Bethany Sara.  They were happy times full of joy.  I wish the same for Bethany and David.

We had a great time talking, a nice walk on the beach out to the end of the pier and back followed by some wonderful soup and French bread.

Litle Elvis wasn’t here, but he’s thrilled at the propsect of being Uncle Elvis.