They are full of the promise of Spring. They are filled with the promise of things to do, people to see, and adventures to experience.

But some Sundays are blue.

For reasons that don’t fully reveal themselves, they feel slower and laced with melancholy.

I’m usually a bootstrap-pulling optimist but there are times when I feel like generally throwing up my hands and asking the heaven’s ‘WTF?’

In these times I’m reminded of something a friend told me once as we were talking about my life as a single-parent. She said:

“Your life isn’t marked by the selfishness that pervades the lives of single adults without kids.”

She went on the say how her own life, and those of her single friends, have a self-indulgent quality because there is no one else to consider when financial, career, educational, or other important decisions have to be made.

In her world, everything is about her.

Not so for a single parent.

Every decision I make affects him.

My whole world is about LE: his general welfare, whether or not his clothes are clean and his teeth are in good heath.  It’s about the level of success he experiences at school and in friendships; whether or not I’m being a role model worth emulating.

Blue Sunday’s are when all of these ideals are called into question.

• Am I doing a good enough job raising him?
• Should I be tougher, softer, more friend-like, less friend-like?
• Why is there never enough money?
• Why can’t his mother help?
• Should I look for a job where I don’t have to travel?
• Will I ever feel normal again?
• And just what the hell is ‘normal’ anyway?

These and many other questions circle my head like some sort of cartoon thought-balloon that follows me around. Such are Blue Sundays.

I know I’m not alone.

But it sure feels like it. I know there are other single-parents who experience Blue Sundays.  No doubt they number in the millions and have the same level of responsibility -some with more- who also doubt their effectiveness. We tend to think of ourselves as alone and without support because most of the time it feels that way.

No married or otherwise attached person with, or without, kids can understand what single-parents go through. I didn’t until I became one.

Blue Sundays aren’t bad.

They’re temporary. They pass. And sometimes, they make Mondays that much brighter.

“LE’s really growing up, isn’t he?”

A former colleague and mastermind buddy emailed me a week or so ago. She’d seen this video and commented on LE’s vertical growth, his deepening voice, and his overall physical maturity.

“Yes,” I countered in a reply…”but into what?”

The Metamorphosis of Attitude

Along with the metamorphosis of physical attributes that accompanies the big ‘P,’ teens experience a new set of attitudes. Encouraged by raging hormone fluxes, these attitudes are often uncontrollable at first.

It’s as if they discover their innate sense of power and ability to express themselves. Of course, how they choose to express their emotions is as individual as each emotion.

But with three teens to my parenting credit, this last trip through Teen-land might be the most challenging of all.

When it Comes to Parenting Teens, Experience Means Nothing

• Forget that I have helped co-parent three teens in the past ten years.
• Forget that each are highly functioning young adults.
• Forget that I’ve earned more degrees than 92.1% .of all Americans.
• Forget that I’ve been through this minefield and lived to tell the tale.
• Forget that I decided seven years ago to take this child and leave a household brimming with domestic violence in order to give him the chance he needed to live without fear.

It means nothing. At least where my innate teen-parenting skills are concerned.

Here’s An Example

It was 8:20a on the Sunday morning after Thanksgiving when I received the call from LE. He ‘demanded’ to know where I was.

“Buddy woke me up,” he says with emphasis on the ‘woke.’  “Where are you, anyway?”

He sounded like my father about 35 years ago.

“I’m down here at Deluxe Foods getting some coffee. I’ll be home in a few minutes.”

“OK, but Buddy was really barking, you know.”

Oh, OK. Let me drop what I’m doing to come home and silence the dog so you can continue to sleep into the afternoon!

That wasn’t really my response, but it did raise its hand in my consciousness seeking permission to express itself.

Back To Reality & to School

Of course not all days are like this.  Since Christmas, and the advent of an X-Box 360, I’ve seen little of LE except at mealtimes. OK, I’m kidding. I seen when nature calls, too.

He’s been off from school for three weeks and returns on Tuesday to the world where everyone acts like he does. In a way, I’ll be glad he back in school. But it’s also been a good Winter Break for us as a family.

Despite the X-Box factor, we’ve spent a good deal of time together.  My employer shut down for the week after Christmas and LE and I spent it together.

And even if he’s turning into a teenage mutant ninja something, he’s still the best thing in my life. 

Like the other other night when my Ex calls to ask me if I could switch a scheduled overnight stay for the next night.

Normally not a big deal except that I’d made plans around the weekly overnight that LE has with his mom.

The plans involved a guest dropping by.  No,  not an overnight guest, but one that I’d rather keep separate from my life as a single parent.

I called her and she was flexible with rescheduling. So everything worked out. But being flexible has limits.

Flexibility’s Limits

Ever encountered your limit with being flexible? I have and they’re called breaking points. For me, it’s the point when I’ve run out of both patience and the willingness to bend any further.

And it happens more frequently where the Ex is concerned. I’ve bent over backwards (no, not literally) to accommodate her on hundreds of occasions when her work schedule (which is as fluid as water) necessitated the rescheduling of weekend visits, mid-week overnights, and holidays.

To be fair, and in the spirit of full disclosure, she has yet to say no to keeping LE when I’ve had to travel on business.  Still, there are limits to what I believe is an over-the-top effort on my part to accommodate her ever-changing schedule.

Flexibility’s ROI

There should be, in my opinion, some sort of return on investment for my flexibility.  The way I see it, ifyou’re flexible in rearranging your life for the sake of someone else’s issues and time constraints, then you should naturally get some back in return. Makes sense, right?

Unfortunately, I get nothing back other than what I’ve mentioned above.

• I don’t a get a courtesy call telling me that LE is ill and staying home from school.
• She never calls the school to inform them that he’s ill thereby saving him an unexcused absence and the resulting detention.
• I’m not never told that she can’t pick him up from school on her scheduled day until 30 minutes prior to his dismissal time.
• She isn’t capable of  planning anything in advance longer than 24 hours.

Being flexible is one thing. Being taken advantage of is another.

Overrated or Disrespected?

I think being flexible is a positive trait. Further, I think most would agree that flexibility is a desired trait as well. Who wouldn’t want a partner, or Ex partner, who agrees to accommodate our needs?

Is there anyone who disagrees? I don’t think my Ex disagrees at all.   I just think she’s so out of touch with how communication works in the real world that she’s unable to practice being flexible in her own life.

Happy Endings?

What would a happy ending look like? Perhaps my Ex acquires the flexibility she demands from others. But I don’t see that happening.  We’ve been apart for over 7 years and it’s still this way.

It’s kind of like trying to be patient with the world’s most impatient person. No matter how patient you are, they’re never satisfied.

Happy ending here? Nope, don’t think so.

“What’s for dinner, Dad?”

It’s a common question in my house.

LE, now 13 and nearly 5′ 10″, is hungry all the time. Because he’s at the age when his emotions, body, and cognition are at the mercy of hormonal influences, he’s undergoing some rapid changes.

Chief among them is his appetite. It knows no boundaries.

He’s never been one to overeat or eat for any other reason than hunger. It’s just that now he’s literally hungry all the time.

If you’ve got a teenager, you know what I mean.  If you work full time and come home to a house where hungry mouths await you, you also know what I mean.

I’ve found that planning meals for a week, not only helps with the preparation of  nutritious meals, but also saves me money on groceries.

Meal Planning Saves Money & Time

Some will look at this topic and say, “That’s not for me. I’d rather just wing it.” But there a few problems with winging it when it comes to meals.

1. Meals are limited to the ingredients you have on hand. That doesn’t always result in nutritionally balanced meals. Not a big deal once in a while, but over the long run it may not be a practice you’d like to continue.
2. Shopping is more frequent and more costly. Multiple trips to your supermarket in any one week can boost your  fuel consumption and associated costs and further limit time spent at home with your child.

While i agree that grocery shopping is great way to teach your child about the economics and fundamentals of wise food choices, it’s not a lesson you want to hold on a daily basis.  That defeats the main purpose of planning your meals.

By purchasing only what you need for the week’s meals, you spend less on impulse items and that can save you a bundle.

How To Use A Menu Planner

Using a menu planner is like using your day-minder or calendar. You fill in the blanks and shop accordingly. It’s that simple. It doesn’t require a degree in the culinary sciences or home economics.

The helpful folks over at Unclutterer.com have a handy menu/meal planning tool that I use.  The link to download it is included at the end of this post along with a link to a helpful post.

Here’s an example of a typical weekly meal plan here at Solo-Dad’s house:

See how easy it can be?  Unclutterer.com suggests using a Saturday morning to plan your meals but all you really need is 20 or 30 minutes to do an adequate job.

Depending on the age of your child, involve them in the planning. This is a good way to teach wise food choices and it lets them contribute in a positive manner.

To get started with planning your weekly menu, follow these steps.

Step 1: Download the Weekly Meal Planner in PDF.

Step 2: Fill it out.  A useful tip is to look through a cookbook. One of my favorites is Rachael Ray’s ‘Just In Time.’ It’s full of complete meals that you can prepare in 30, 60, or 90 minutes.

Step 3: Based on your menu choices, fill out the items you need to shop for in the right hand sidebar.

As I mentioned earlier, the folks at http://Unclutterer.com have written about this in a concise manner.  You can read their post here: Creating a Weekly Meal Plan.

———–

Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of ‘spanking your child’ and why I’m passionately devoted to non-violence even in child discipline. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

Welcome to Day 3 of the 31 Days To Become A Better Solo-Dad! Today’s post addresses an all too common pitfall made by single dads who may not get to spend a lot of time with their kids. It’s often referred to as the Disneyland Dad Syndrome and it can end up harming your relationship with your kids.

Definition

Disneyland Dad: Single dads who, perhaps because of the limited time spent with the kids, buy extravagant gifts, eat out every meal, take them on expensive trips, give into their every whim, forget about discipline, and generally treat them like visiting royalty instead of children.

It’s the weekend and you’re naturally excited because you get the pick up the kids. Maybe you’ll go the movies and see the latest Pixar or Disney film; Maybe you’ll take them to the county fair – that’s always fun.

By the time the weekend concludes, both kids may be weighed down in souvenirs and trinkets, but they’re simply evidence of the great time you had together.

What’s wrong with that?

Plenty.

It’s called the Disneyland Dad Syndrome and nearly all single dads and moms (those without physical custody slip into it at first. Some never get over it.

It begins innocently with a few gifts purchased for the kids just because you love them.  Then the next weekend it’s a trip to the beach.  That’s followed by a lavish birthday gift that you hope will remind them of you when you’re not around.

On the surface, this natural expression of giving to your child may seem harmless, but it place your relationship with your child at risk in several ways.

Disneyland Dad Syndrome’s Harmful Effects

1. It creates the illusion that your relationship is based on ‘things.’ Kids will come to expect this same level of gifting and entertainment from the absent parent. When it stops, they might even think you’ve stopped loving them. That’s not a risk many solo-dads would be willing to take.
   
2. It’s an unsustainable situation. Sooner or later you’ll run of both money and ideas.  It will exhaust you and you’ll end up feeling like you’ve failed your kids…again.
   
3. Your children will ultimately mimic your behavior. You know how kids mimic everything they see?  They’re like  sponges that soak up everything they come into contact with.  You don’t want your child growing to believe that all relationships are based on this approach. Only by demonstrating an emotionally healthy parenting style will you encourage your child’s future parenting.
   

Helpful Reading

The links below contain articles that address solutions such as:

1. Planning ahead for weekend activities and even some downtime.
2. Aiming for consistency in your time together.
3. Treating your kids like they live there (in your home) and not like their visiting.
4. And my favorite, just be normal.
   

• Mr. Dad on Disneyland Dads
• 10 Ways To Avoid Becoming a Disneyland Dad

In the next post, we’ll look at how Planning Meals in Advance can simplify the daily dinner duties and save you money at the same time.  Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

From a child’s perspective, nothing is more important that having time with their absent parent. I see it now more than ever even though Little Elvis is 13 years old.  When his mother cancels on him or has to forfeit her midweek sleep over night, he still is disappointed and saddened.  Today’s post is aimed at highlighting practical ways to prevent this from happening to your child.

Make Time With Your Child a Top Priority

Children Need Their Fathers. As I stated in the introduction to the post, nothing is more important to a child who doesn’t live with his or her dad than the time they get to be together.

Knowing this enables a Solo-Dad to better plan his commitments so as to minimize the chances that he’ll have to cancel, reschedule, or forfeit his scheduled visitation.

Even though life circumstances, economics, and career demands sometime make it necessary to cancel these visits, they should be the exception rather than the rule.

When dads aren’t in the home or seen by the kids on a frequent basis, it’s even more crucial that they keep their commitments to visitation.

Practical Tips for Strengthening Your Commitment

For Non-Custodial Dads: If you don’t have physical custody of your children, in some ways it’s easier to make your time with them a priority. After all, your time with them was most likely determined by the custody agreement.

Typically this means two weekends per month. Maybe you also have a midweek sleepover or evening visit.  To make these limited amounts of time count for both you and your kids, make them sacrosanct by considering the suggestions below:

1. Schedule the time. Block out the dates in your planner, Outlook calendar, Blackberry or iPhone, or other time tracking tool.
   
2. Refuse all other commitments. On the days you’re scheduled to spend time with your kids, don’t allow work, social commitments, or even a hot date to interfere.
3. Limit the big outings. Not every weekend needs to be a trip to Disneyland. Some weekends are better spent playing board games or working on a new craft. Kids need regular home-time with dad as much as they do with mom. They need to know they have an authentic dad and not a Disneyland dad.
   
4. Make the transition time meaningful. Kids need time to transition between being at your home and returning to their mom’s. When my son Ben was younger, he would be angry upon returning to his mother’s home for about an hour before getting back to his normal behavior. While expected, it decreased significantly when I took the time to slow things down in those final hours of the visit.  About an hour before it’s time to take them back to their mom’s house, take some time to spend talking about whatever they want. This is a good time to talk about the coming week, activities at school, and anything else that’s important to them.  It can be over ice cream, a dinner out, or just on the couch cuddling. It helps them transition back to being at mom’s and it also helps you transition to a suddenly empty house when you return home.
   

For Custodial or Co-Parenting Dads: Dads who have physical custody or co-parenting arrangements often have a tougher time making time with the kids a priority.  Think about it – when they’re always around, the inherent risk is to take their presence for granted.

In addition to the enumerated points above for non-custodial dads, consider the following suggestions:

1. Spend time with your kids alone. Some call this ‘dating your child’ though I’ve never liked that phrase. Whatever you decide to label it, if you have more than one child keep in mind they are still individuals.  Being such, they need time alone with their dad just like any other kid.  This is harder to do as a non-custodial dad, but since you have your kids half to full-time, it’s easier schedule time in this manner.  David over at DadsHouseBlog is an example of a dad who does this.  Many of his posts talk about his daughter and how he stays involved in her life even though she’s driving and growing more independent.
2. Eat dinner together. This is one the oldest and most effective methods of keeping in touch with what’s going on with your child. Turning the TV off and eating in a dedicated dining room -if possible- is an even better idea. There is perhaps no better way to establish a regular and consistent communication exchange between you and your children.

Time is Precious

While the popular culture we live in is full of multiple mechanisms for staying in touch with our children, nothing beats a heart-to-heart talk.

Mohondas Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Make the commitment to honor the time you spend with your children.  One day they will mimic your behavior in this area.

Take the time now to ensure they will do the same for their own children.

In the next post, we’ll look at how not to become a Disneyland Dad. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

In this series if posts, we’re going to examine 31 ways you can work toward becoming the Solo-Dad you want to be in your kids’ lives.

This is not a 31 day crash course and I don’t expect you to work on each of these areas of your parenting on subsequent days. Rather, it’s an invitation to examine those areas of your solo-parenting that might be in need of enrichment or attention.

So, with that in mind, let’s get started with the first post in the series.

Pay Your Child Support On Time

Yes, I know. This is a sensitive subject and it’s one that I’ve lived through from both sides. I’ve been a solo-dad ordered to pay child support as well as a solo-dad who isn’t receiving any support from my child’s mother.

It’s tough on both sides of the issue.  Let’s see if we can make it less emotional and more practical.

And while most US family courts will order that child support payments are deducted from the parent’s paycheck, some situations still depend on manual payment of support directly from father to mother or vice-versa.

The Sole Reason for Child Support: Provision for the child’s needs.

Obviously, the main reason family courts order child support payments if to help provide for your child.

No Solo-Dad I’ve ever met wants their children to have less,  go hungry, or live in a household where hand-me-downs are the rule.

Dads want all these things and more, for their kids. Some dads will say, “Let me take Junior to Target or Walmart and I’ll buy him the clothes  or other items he needs.”  While this is a laudable goal, I’ve rarely seen it work as a regular feature of visitation.

I may get some heated comments about this but, Solo-Dads aren’t, as a rule, as in touch with the ins-and-outs of childhood fashion and decision making it requires to stay on top of the daily clothing needs of a small child or a teen.

In most situations where the kids only visit their dad, mom is better suited for this. As the custodial parent, she’s the ones doing the laundry and see the wear and tear on the child’s wardrobe.

Why Your Payments Should Be Made On Time

Making ends meet is tough any way you slice it.  In current economic times, it’s even tougher.  Kids in solo-parent households are twice as likely to do without daily necessities as kids in two-parent families.

Making your child support payments on time enables you to do your part to ensure your child is able to enjoy the necessities of life. Unless your Ex is addicted to drugs or just a very poor money manager, your children will most likely be better off when your child support payments are made on time because they will have enough food, water, and power to live a normal existence.

There were times when I didn’t make timely child support payments.  I recall one time in particular when I learned that my kids didn’t have enough food. It broke my heart to know that I could have prevented that. It taught me a valuable lesson and I never again viewed child support payments as a necesary evil.

This brings me to another point and that is how a lot of Solo-Dad view their child support payments.  There is a common misconception about child support that needs to be mentioned.

The Punitive Stigma of Child Support Perhaps perpetuated by both sides, child support has often been perceived as a punitive measure, a disciplinary sentence of sorts. This sets up both parents for battle and often the children lose.

Too often, Solo-Moms who feel that their Ex is responsible for the end of the marriage use child support and spousal-support as tools to taunt and hurt. Again, I’ve seen this first-hand and it’s nothing but counterproductive.

Gender roles and conditioning play a part here.  When child support and spousal support are used in this way, a dad often feels emasculated. And counter to the original intent, it doesn’t nothing to make him more likely to make payments on time. If anything, it results in hurt feelings and a reaction that, while inexcusable, too often includes  further delays in payment of support.

Dads Need to Set the Example

Taking the easy way out and not doing what we know is right weakens the example our kids need from us.

“I don’t like the way she spends the support.” This is another common cry among Solo-Dads when it comes to making child support payments.  Guys, this totally misses the point.

The act of paying the support an the expression of love for your child.

Plain and simple, we pay it because we love our child and we want to make sure we’re doing everything in our power to provide the necessities for them. This is one excuse that child support paying Solo-Dads need to get over.

How to Make Your Child Support Count

Perhaps a better way is to work with your Ex to make child support work for both of you. This may not be possible now, but in the future perhaps you and your Ex can work together to make your child aware of how you help support them financially.

To my first Ex’s credit, after she remarried, she put the child-support money into college funds. This was a choice she and her husband made together.  They informed me and the kids about it and the kids knew that the money I paid in support was still making a difference.

If Solo-Moms and Dads could work together for the good of their kids, a lot of the relationship strain that exists between Ex’s could be reduced. I know this isn’t possible in a lot of cases, but as a Solo-Dad, keep it in mind.

Application for Day #1

Consider asking for help. Marriage, divorce, and single parenting are stages in life that don’t come with an owner’s manual.  Instead of flying by the seat of your pants and learning the hard way, why not come together and ask a qualified third-party professional for assistance?

Many counties employ divorce mediators to address custody and visitation issues.  If you have this service available, consider them as a resource for establishing an understanding between you and your Ex about how to address the issue of child support.  Both parties will gain a better understanding the responsibilities and issues the other faces.

When both of you can agree on the principle for and the mechanisms behind timely child support payments, everybody wins.  It doesn’t make coming up with the extra money any easier but it does decrease the amount of emotion, frustration, and stress around the situation.

Paying your child support on time is a win-win situation.

Ultimately, your child is the biggest winner. And isn’t that what you really want?

In Day #2 of the 31 Days to Become a Better Solo-Dad series, we’ll take a look at Making Time With Your Child a Priority.

Care to Comment? Does this post anger you as a Solo-Dad?  Does it resonate with truth? Solo-Moms – I know you’re reading too and that’s cool – am I off base?  All comments are welcome.

Can you become a more effective and happier Solo-Dad in about a month?

I think you can!

Ever since I read and participated in Darren Rowse’s 31 Days To Building a Better Blog series on ProBlogger.net (now a downloadable workbook available for only $19.95), I’ve thought about this concept of improving areas of one’s life in a month.

Naturally, here on Solo-Dad, my mind turns to helping other solo-dads become better at being the dad they want to be for their kids.

Borrowing the concept from Darren’s playbook, I’m embarking on this new series….

31 Days To Becoming a Better Solo-Dad!

In this series of posts, I’m going to write 31 posts, each about a different aspect of being a solo-dad. Each post will focused on one topic with a bit of teaching about the topic and at least one practical tip for application.

The purpose behind writing the series does not include the expectation that you can become a Super Solo-Dad in 31 days.  Rather, it’s to provide you with a resource to use when topics covered in the series apply to your family.

Here’s a partial list of topic that will be covered in the 31 Days to Become a Better Solo-Dad series that begins July 31st:

• Pay your child support on time (yes, it’s a good thing).
• Make time with your child a priority.
• Avoid the Disneyland Dad Syndrome.
• Don’t talk smack about your Ex in front of your child.
• Reconsider your views on spanking (Why you shouldn’t).
• Plan your menus in advance.
• Keep your dates away from the kids.
• Exercise with your kids.
• And many more.

How can you participate? Just check your RSS reader each day beginning July 31.

Not a subscriber? Subscribe now to the series using the following links:

Here’s a brief snippet…

“I regret that I don’t have the chance to sit on the floor next to his bed every night while he puts his hand on mind.

Or stroke his hair until he falls asleep and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning is his smiling face as he taps me on the shoulder because its time to get up.”

Once you get to the end, the comments left my readers are quite emotional. 

Click here to read the post.