There are times when a single dad has no choice but to be flexible.
Like the other other night when my Ex calls to ask me if I could switch a scheduled overnight
stay for the next night.
Normally not a big deal except that I’d made plans around the weekly overnight that LE has with his mom.
The plans involved a guest dropping by. No, not an overnight guest, but one that I’d rather keep separate from my life as a single parent.
I called her and she was flexible with rescheduling. So everything worked out. But being flexible has limits.
Flexibility’s Limits
Ever encountered your limit with being flexible? I have and they’re called breaking points. For me, it’s the point when I’ve run out of both patience and the willingness to bend any further.
And it happens more frequently where the Ex is concerned. I’ve bent over backwards (no, not literally) to accommodate her on hundreds of occasions when her work schedule (which is as fluid as water) necessitated the rescheduling of weekend visits, mid-week overnights, and holidays.
To be fair, and in the spirit of full disclosure, she has yet to say no to keeping LE when I’ve had to travel on business. Still, there are limits to what I believe is an over-the-top effort on my part to accommodate her ever-changing schedule.
Flexibility’s ROI
There should be, in my opinion, some sort of return on investment for my flexibility. The way I see it, ifyou’re flexible in rearranging your life for the sake of someone else’s issues and time constraints, then you should naturally get some back in return. Makes sense, right? 
Unfortunately, I get nothing back other than what I’ve mentioned above.
- I don’t a get a courtesy call telling me that LE is ill and staying home from school.
- She never calls the school to inform them that he’s ill thereby saving him an unexcused absence and the resulting detention.
- I’m not never told that she can’t pick him up from school on her scheduled day until 30 minutes prior to his dismissal time.
- She isn’t capable of planning anything in advance longer than 24 hours.
Being flexible is one thing. Being taken advantage of is another.
Overrated or Disrespected?
I think being flexible is a positive trait. Further, I think most would agree that flexibility is a desired trait as well. Who wouldn’t want a partner, or Ex partner, who agrees to accommodate our needs?
Is there anyone who disagrees? I don’t think my Ex disagrees at all. I just think she’s so out of touch with how communication works in the real world that she’s unable to practice being flexible in her own life.
Happy Endings?
What would a happy ending look like? Perhaps my Ex acquires the flexibility she demands from others. But I don’t see that happening. We’ve been apart for over 7 years and it’s still this way.
It’s kind of like trying to be patient with the world’s most impatient person. No matter how patient you are, they’re never satisfied.
Happy ending here? Nope, don’t think so.
Great post! This used to be a huge issue for me, and I developed a lot of resentment toward my son’s father for what I perceived as his overstepping boundaries and abusing my willingness to be flexible. Eventually, though, I came to three conclusions that changed everything for me: (1) It was I, not him, who wasn’t respecting my boundaries or flexibility. I was playing rescuer and being driven by guilt. I felt that if I didn’t agree, I was somehow being a bad parent to my child; and (2) When I was able to accomodate changes, it wasn’t about his dad and his dad’s appreciation, it was about my child. So, in the end, I had to get that my son’s father would find a backup plan if I couldn’t, or hell, just didn’t want to, fulfill whatever new request was being made. I had to get that allowing him to use his resourcefulness helped him be, well, more resourceful…and a better parent, I think. Without being able to rely on me dropping everything at the last minute every time, he was forced to figure it out, which led to fewer requests. This is becoming a blog post, but the bottom line is that I realized that I was approaching “flexibility” in a very unempowering way for both of us. So, I established some boundaries that started with saying, “No” with no explanation when I couldn’t or didn’t want to do it and let him figure it out. And, he did, because he loves our child and isn’t going to leave him stranded at school…for too long. So, the requests became fewer, the entitlement disappeared, and I stopped feeling unappreciated and used. Today, more often than not, I’m able to say, “Yes” and mean it, because I enjoy spending time with my child and I actually enjoy being a good parenting partner. Please forgive the embarrasingly long comment!
Talibah – Nice to hear from you again.
No need to apologize for the long comment: It’s grounded in truth and born out of the same frustration I feel now and again. Like today when I learned that LE wasn’t at school. I didn’t hear from him or his mother, but learned it by visiting the attendance database at his middle school. There is no communication at all on her part, only demands made as I describe. I believe I am very close to cutting off the mid-week sleepovers altogether as a result of this particular behavioral pattern. Thanks for weighing in; you’re comments were spot on. 